Sweet November {newlywed and baby loss mama}

Our first BIG snow - finally!

2012-02-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

Weight Watchers Weigh-In #3

2012-02-05T20:39:00.002-06:00

This week, I gained two lbs.

So, I've lost 3 lbs total. In 4 weeks. That's not very good!

Am I irritated? YES. But I am not going to be one of those people that just gets mad and says, "this doesn't work"! I know it works.... I just sucked at it this past week.

I think there were two or three days where I didn't track every single meal. After doing some reading and talking to friends at work who are also doing WW, I learned the importance of tracking BEFORE you even take a single bite of whatever you're about to eat. Otherwise, while it's great that you're being honest and tracking everything... you don't know if you've gone over until after you've done so.

I do awesome for breakfast and lunch - I eat both of those meals at work, so I portion out the exact serving size of whatever I'm eating, and don't have the option of eating anything more. Dinner and after dinner snacking are what get me.

Also, I didn't track one single activity point this week. I worked until 7 or so most of the weeknights, and had no desire to go to the gym when I got home or get up the next morning at 5:00 to go early.

I will be working on that this week.

Today was a hard day.

2012-01-31T23:23:00.000-06:00

{This post was written sometime in June, and has been saved as a draft ever since. I have no idea why it was never posted. So here it is now}

Well.

Today was rough.

I'm still in training at my new job, which includes a few months of mandatory classroom training. Today, we talked about Shaken Baby Syndrome so that we can recognize the signs of it. That actually isn't the part that was hard. I knew when I applied for this job that I would see some awful things happen to kids. The part that really got to me was when we spent a long time talking about grief and mourning. I actually hadn't really thought about that being a part of my job. After talking about it for a while it makes a lot of sense - a lot of parents will mourn the loss of their children from their lives even when their own actions might be the reason that their children were removed from their homes. I can talk about grief - obviously. No big deal. The hard part came when the trainer wanted us to talk - in detail - about what grief felt like...because we'll be more empathetic etc., if we can kind of know what they're feeling. He asked if anyone in the class who had recently lost someone would be willing to talk about the physiological effects that it has on your body... like what it physically feels like to grieve. I knew that I would lose it if I raised my hand to speak, so I just kept my mouth shut. A couple of other people raised their hands and shared their stories... but I could very well be the only person in the room who knows what it's like to actually have to hand over their child to someone knowing that it's the last time I'll ever see her.

Talking about grief and mourning isn't the problem, but because of the discussion, I felt like I was actually reliving the moment we placed Olivia back in her basinette and walked out of the NICU over and over and over in my head. I haven't actually let myself really think about that moment in a very long time. I didn't cry though... and I don't think anyone could tell that I was getting shaken up.

Afterwards, the trainer read two poems about grief out loud. To the group. By that point I was just thinking, COME ON!!

The good part was that after we finished talking about those issues, talked about attachment and watched a video of kids seeing their military dads for the first time after a deployment. I think ALL of us (at least the girls) were crying... so that was a good little emotional outlet for me!

I also would like to say that I really hesitated before writing this post. Then after I started writing it, I erased it and started over a few times. Talking about hard days makes me feel like I'm complaining too much. I struggle with worrying that people will think I'm grasping for sympathy from others - like I want people to feel bad for me. But I know that when I was a "newbie" to this baby loss thing, I found so much comfort in reading the blogs of women that were candid and honest about their pain - and happiness. It's so much easier to write about the good days than it is to write about the bad ones, but I think it's important that I'm honest with myself and with you guys. Because even after posting just yesterday about how well I'm doing, it's okay to have a bad day too.

Weight Watchers!!

2012-01-31T23:19:00.000-06:00

In my last post, I said that I needed to start focusing on myself more, and what makes me happy - and healthy.

SO. After much debating, I joined Weight Watchers Online. My mom and I have joined WW together in the past, and I never had much success. We did it the traditional way - I'm not sure if the online tools even existed yet... and I remember feeling like tracking points was way too much work and I always forgot to do it. But that was when you had to look them up in a book, OR, add up everything yourself and do a little math equation when looking at the food label. Now that EVERYTHING is online.... it's so much easier! I also love that when I'm eating breakfast and/or lunch at work - or wherever - , I can use the app on my phone to track my points. That was the biggest problem before, remembering to come home at night and put in all of my points for the day. I am LOVING being able to use the WW App on my phone to add my points to my tracker while I'm eating my lunch at work.

I want to blog weekly about my progress. I really think it will help keep me even more accountable. I really need to put things in place for myself to make sure I don't stray from the plan too much. I've never been able to commit to any kind of weight loss plan for longer than a month or so. I owe it to myself to do better than that!

My regular post day will be Thursdays, but I'm 2 weeks behind so I thought I'd do a quick post now, and post again in a couple of days.

I am in my third week. My weigh in days are Thursdays, so I've weighed twice so far. This past Thursday, I was down FIVE POUNDS! I lost 4lbs in the first week, and 1 the second.

This week, I'm nervous that I'll have stayed the same, or possibly gained a few. I went WAY over my points this weekend - we had a birthday dinner for my dad at my parents' house. I knew that I would be going over, but figured it wouldn't be too bad. WW gives you a certain amount of "extra" points that you can use however you want - either spread them out over the week, or use them for a big splurge.

Uhh... FYI - Village Inn french silk pie has 22+ points...................... in case anyone was wondering.

I totally should have known better than to even take one single bite! Because once I did - there was no turning back.

I really need to work on this will power thing....

new years resolution, and my One Little Word.

2012-01-23T08:05:00.000-06:00

Focus.

Experiencing this second loss, for whatever reason, really made me stop and think about my life. I haven't been paying enough attention to myself (or my husband, like I should be), and it took this miscarriage to make me realize that.

I had been working non-stop. My job requires me to work later into the evenings sometimes because I have to visit kids and foster families at home, and because it's the school year... that means going after 5:00pm when people are home from work, daycare, and school. I was finding it hard to "turn off" when I got home from work, often spending a few extra hours on my work laptop when I'd get home. Of course, I would stop for dinner, and kind of half-watch TV shows while I worked sometimes. We do have a lot of expectations, and a workload that is impossible to complete within a normal 40 hour work week... BUT, what I was doing was definitely excessive. I don't even think I was being that productive, it just felt like it because I had my laptop on my lap for the entire evening.

Not only did that make me start to get burned out on work, but it also meant I wasn't doing anything I love or NEEDED to do/get done. I wasn't having as many quality conversations with my husband, cleaning wasn't getting done, laundry piled up, I stopped scrap booking, blogging, and weeks went by where my camera didn't move from it's bag. It also meant that months went by (seriously) where I didn't go to the gym, AND I didn't take the time to care what I was eating. And don't even mention my shitty communication skills - my friends probably thought I fell off the face of the earth. Thank God for texting, twitter, and facebook, because without those three things, I don't think I would even have friends anymore since I haven't had time to see them.

The result? More pounds, less energy, more stress, a messy house and a bazillion unfinished projects.

Right about the time I started feeling like I needed to make a change, Kurt and I went out to dinner. I was telling him all about how much I loved my job, but that I kind of miss being paid hourly (we were hourly at my last agency), and that I think that if we somehow could switch from salary to hourly, I would feel a lot better about "shutting off". Sometimes, I think being salaried makes you feel like you are supposed to be working constantly.

And I am not kidding you - the next day at work, we got an email telling us that my position, along with several others, were being changed to hourly as of January 1st. CRAZY, right!?!?

Anyway, this is too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. I took this as a sign that I needed to start focusing on what is really important in life. On myself, my husband, our family, God, and what makes me happy and healthy. And yes... I will still have to focus on work :(. But I am going to have to learn how to balance. So, that's my New Year's Resolution - to focus on what's important. I am not sure how it will take shape just yet, but we'll find out.... and the result can only be a good one.

And obviously, in case you haven't figured it out, my One Little Word is {Focus}.

I plan to blog often about my progress, and what I'm doing to change my life for the better. Hopefully, this will lead to some more positive blogging, as opposed to the non-stop grief related posts from the last several months. Although, as always, there will be some of those too.

Ps: I actually didn't think I was going to participate in One Little Word. I have read about it before, but I've never done it. I wrote this post about focusing, and then realized that I had just accidentally chosen a word for myself. So... why not? Maybe it will help me focus? You can learn about Ali Edwards' One Little Word course here.

defeat

2012-01-21T23:04:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow, it will have been one month since the ultrasound appointment where we found out that there was no heartbeat.

Honestly? I feel pretty much completely normal. I am not sure if that's good or bad. The pregnancy started and ended so fast, it barely had time to register. I was really trying to hold off on getting too excited or thinking about baby stuff "just in case". I wasn't pregnant for long enough to get attached to that particular baby. I am grieving, but it's completely different this time.

Right now, I'm just feeling defeated. I feel like I have no enthusiasm to try again. Obviously that means that now isn't the time to try again, and I'm hoping that feeling will go away eventually. But I think both of us are really wondering how much more we can handle. How many more bad things have to happen to us before we get to bring home a healthy baby?

Trust me, I'm really not trying to throw a pity party - just being honest about my feelings. Actually, what I want to do is throw the complete opposite of a pity party. I am so sick of being the people that everyone has to feel sorry for. Even though we told the world SO early about this pregnancy, it was really nice to have a couple of weeks of "Congratulations!" before the, "so sorry for your loss" comments kicked back in again. I know some of you are probably thinking, "you probably shouldn't have broken the news so early". And maybe you're right. But at the time, all we were thinking was that we were so excited, and we didn't want to waste a single second. I honestly don't have any regrets. Yes - it was hard to tell everyone so fast that we miscarried - but it was nice to have the support, rather than having to keep it all inside.

That's pretty much all I have to say about this right now. I'd like to start blogging about some positive things again.:)

A very late, and not very happy update

2012-01-17T23:58:00.000-06:00

As usual, here I am, apologizing for not keeping up to date with my blog. This time, I can say with complete honesty that I have been thinking about writing every day, just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I have officially become one of those women who falls into the "multiple losses" category. You would think that after losing Olivia, we would have learned to be a little bit less naive. I guess somehow, both of us just hoped that after going through such excruciating pain after her death... There's no way we would have to go through losing a baby again... Right? Wrong.

We found out on the morning after Thanksgiving that we were expects again. We made the decision after we lost Olivia to never waste a single second of a pregnancy, so we called and told our parents immediately. We were, of course, SO excited.

We went to the doctor almost right away. I wasn't sure if I needed to be seen faster than normal because of the "high riskiness" of this pregnancy. When I called and talked to the nurse, she made an appointment for us for the next week, which would put me at 5 weeks or so.

We went to that appointment, which was with the same OB that I had when I was pregnant with Olivia. We talked a lot about how things would go once I got further along. I would have had ultrasounds twice a month. One at her office, and one at the perinatologist's office. She also said that they would have tested around 37 weeks to make sure the baby's lungs were strong enough, and do the c-section then.

But at that appointment, when we talked about dates, she said that she thought it might be too early to see anything on the sonogram. She said that we had been through enough, and we were the right at the time period where we may be able to see the heartbeat, or we might not be able to see anything at all. The decision was left up to us, but she suggested that we come back in two weeks. Her concern was that we had seen enough "bad news" ultrasounds. And if we ended up seeing nothing, we would just have to come back in two weeks anyway to find out if there was really any cardiac activity.... Or not.

So. December 22nd, we went back for our ultrasound. Kurt was supposed to work, and I had asked my mom to go with me. The day before, he told me that he was going to call in to work, because he felt like he had to be there. I also had a gut feeling that he should be with me, and that I absolutely could not go alone (which is why I asked my mom to go).

When she said that there was no cardiac activity, I wasn't even surprised. It was like I somehow knew. But she kept telling us that she wasn't positive, and that she wasn't getting a very good view. She had us go upstairs to radiology to have another one done on the HUGE machine, rather than her little portable one on a cart. Her nurse took us upstairs, and then that ultrasound confirmed it. Baby was measuring 6w2d... Which is exactly how far along I thought I was based on the day we are 99% sure we conceived on.

My doctor's nurse came back up to get us, and asked us if we'd like to take the "back way" downstairs. I'm not sure why, but I said no, and we rode the elevator back down with a bunch of other people. My doctor wanted to see us before we left. She gave me a huge hug and then gave us our options. We could go home and just wait for my body to do its job on its own, or we could take the misoprostol right away. She also said that we could do nothing and come back in a week to see if anything had changed... But then said that there was no doubt in her mind, or the radiologist's that based on the measured size, cardiac activity should have been very obvious.

At first, I sid I'd like to go home and wait. Kurt jumped in - which he never does during appointments - and said that he didn't think that sounded liked the best idea, and asked if I was sure I wanted to put myself through that over Christmas. After we talked about it, I completely agreed, and we got the prescription. We filled it, and ate lunch at Subway together. The whole thing felt like a dream. Like it wasn't really happening. How could it be happening. To us. Again.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of women who have had multiple losses. But I guess, just like i said above, I somehow talked myself into believing that losing Olivia was bad enough, and we had reached our maximum loss capacity.

It was the last day of work before we were off for the long Holiday weekend, so the first thing I did after taking Kurt home was get in the car and call my supervisor. She is awesome and super supportive, and knows Olivia's full story, and was one of the first people that I had told about this pregnancy. She knew that I had been at an appointment, and told me to just go home and rest, and not worry about anything work-wise. BUT I had Christmas presents for several foster kids in my back seat.. So I spent the next couple of hours delivering those.

Finally, I made it home at 5ish, and took the pill. Our friends Tony and Alicia came over and brought us dinner, which was nice and took our mind off of everything. I had ben told to expect unbelievable pain.. And I felt nothing. I took the second pill, and still felt nothing. I called the office the next afternoon, and was told that I was just going to have to wait it out. And that I should call on the 27th when they were open again. I spent all of Christmas weekend waiting for something to happen, but trying not to think about it. And nothing happened. I called on the 27th, and they scheduled me for a D&C for the 29th.

My doctor called me that morning and had me come in for one more ultrasound just to be on the safe side. Of course there was still nothing, and baby was measuring the same as it was on the 22nd. The procedure went very well, and I was feeling 100% normal (physically) by that evening.

Okay - I have made this post long enough! I am going to post again with more about how I'm feeling, but this is long enough for now.

As usual, I want to say thanks for all the wonderful support that we've gotten from the people who already know about this - where would we be without you guys?

Pink Cookie Day

2011-11-21T21:39:00.000-06:00

Last year, I made cupcakes with pink butter frosting on Olivia's birthday. It was supposed to be pink buttercream frosting, but I read the recipe wrong or something, and it just basically ended up tasting like butter. I took them to our annual "Friends Thanksgiving" that evening, and everyone was really nice to me and said they were good, but I know that they absolutely were NOT good. I loved the idea of having a tradition where we bake something pink each year...but I needed something easier that would both look good and not taste like crap. I searched and searched on Pinterest, and finally found this recipe. It was SUPER easy and they were way better than regular chocolate chip cookies. They are more like shortbread.

I really like this tradition of baking something pink on her birthday. I'm hoping to get more creative with it in the years to come. There's only so much you can do for the birthday of a little girl who isn't on earth anymore. I don't want to go over-board, but I don't want her birthday to ever get forgotten either. I love to bake, and sweet treats are easily shared with family and friends. It makes me feel good to be doing something for her birthday other than just bringing flowers to the cemetary.

Recipe via

Ingredients:

2 sticks (1 cup) butter (see directions below for softening)

red food coloring gel

1 pouch Betty Crocker sugar cookie mix

2 cups powdered sugar

2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Directions:

1 - Soften hard butter in microwave at HALF power for 30 seconds just until slightly soft, not at all melted. With a hand mixer, beat the butter just until smooth, being careful not to over-soften it. Using a toothpick, add the food color gel one dab at a time, mixing after each, until the desired pink color is achieved.
2 - Add the dry cookie mix (do NOT add the other ingredients called for on the cookie mix package). Add the powdered sugar. Beat only until the ingredients are fully incorporated. Dough will be crumbly, not smooth. Stir in the chocolate chips by hand.
3 - Drop dough by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased cookie sheet. (1-1/4" cookie scoop works well too.)
4 - Bake in a preheated 325° F oven for 12-14 minutes. Remove from oven when cookies are slightly brown around the edges and soft but not squishy in the center.
5 - Cool cookies 1 - 2 minutes on the cookie sheet before removing to a cooling rack to cool completely before serving. These aren't typical chocolate chip cookies. They aren't cakey -- instead, they are super sweet, slightly crunchy and a bit chewy. A sweet treat with coffee or milk!

We delivered the cookies to our parents, and then went to the cemetary to visit Livie. A guy on stilts gave me a frog balloon animal at an adoption event for work the day before her birthday, so we brought that for her. Our moms;dads/sisters had already visited that morning and had left some flowers and pinwheels for her also.

Happy 2nd Birthday, again, sweet love. We miss you every day!

Happy 2nd Birthday Livie Bean.

2011-11-20T19:47:00.000-06:00

Happy second birthday to my sweet girl!!

I read through several of my old posts this morning... specifically the ones right after Livie was born, and the ones right around her first birthday. I realized that I've never shared any pictures of my favorite thing of hers. The one thing that I would probably grab first if our apartment was on fire.

The bag of her things that the hospital gave us!

Before we removed her from the life support, one of her nurses was explaining how everything would happen. She said that after they removed Olivia from all of her leads and cords, we would get to keep them. I remember thinking how nice that was of them, but I had no idea how much effort they would put into putting everything together for us. Each item is wound up perfectly with a little pink tag explaining what it was used for. The nurse even wrote the explanation as if it were Olivia explaining it to us. I remember crying and crying the first time I really looked at everything, which wasn't until we got home from the hospital.

This is actually the first time I have ever taken any of it out of the bag. I think I was worried that I would mess something up or ruin it before. It felt good to hold the things that touched her and made her feel comfortable. My favorite things are the little diaper and the tiny sunglasses that she wore while she was under the phototherapy light.

(it says: "phototherapy mask to protect my eyes")

(Seeing the diaper in my hand puts into perspective how teeny she was. It's a preemie size diaper, but the top of it had to be folded under so that it would fit her, otherwise it would go up past her belly button.)

I ordered myself a present for Olivia's birthday:

(front)

(side)

(front)

It's a memory keeper from Paper Coterie. If you haven't seen these before, you should definitely check them out. Their stuff is gorgeous. We have been keeping all of Olivia's things in four flowered boxes that stack up. Honestly, it takes up a lot of room. I was reluctant to put any of her stuff away at first, but lately, I had been thinking about how we should pack everything into a tub, and find some way to keep out only the most important things. I had been seeing other bloggers post about these memory keepers, and decided to just order one and see what it looked like. They are BIGGER than I expected, like 9.75x13 inches. It fit the bag of all of her hospital things, her footprints, lock of hair, and the cards that we received.

I love that it fits on the bookshelf, and I can order another one for the next little bambino that we might have some day. I think it will be cool to have them all lined up next to each other on a shelf someday.

I also ordered one for our wedding stuff, but I haven't put anything in it yet.

We are celebrating in a very small way today, but it feels right. To be honest, so far, this feels like an ordinary weekend morning... but who knows if it will stay that way.

Can you believe it's been two years? I definitely can't.

Thanks to all of you for two years of support and love. We couldn't have gotten to this point with out all of you - I'm sure of that.

Veterans Day

2011-11-11T09:56:00.001-06:00

Just wanted to take a quick second to say Happy Veterans Day!

I will be forever grateful to all those who serve, have served, or will make the choice to serve our country. Without our veterans, who knows what America might be like today.

I am especially grateful for MY veteran - and grateful that he made it through two tours in Iraq and was able to make it home safe and sound. :)

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2011-09-29T00:15:00.003-05:00

It's fall again. The season that makes me think of Olivia more than any other time of the year.
Now that it's been almost two years since she was born and died, it's become a lot easier than it used to be to just go about my day without really thinking of her. I pass her photos several times each day - especially at work where a framed scrapbook page of her pictures since on my desk - I tell people about her all the time... but I don't even remember the last time I actually sat down and let it completely sink in. Until today.

This afternoon/tonight after pretty much everyone else was gone from the office, and I was packing up my cubicle (Moving to a different office) and trying to organize everything into several different boxes. I was listening to Pandora on my desk computer, and had it set to the Micheal Buble station.

Apparently, it could also be called the Somewhere Over the Rainbow station.

Three different versions by three different artists played within a time period of about 45 minutes. Somewhere Over the Rainbow, the Faith Hill version, is the song that we played during the photo slideshow that we made for Olivia's memorial service. I never realized before how common that song is until recently. It's really hard for me to listen to, especially the slower versions of the song.

For some reason though, I didn't skip the song today. By the third time the song played, I was sitting at my desk staring at the pictures of her in the frame. An awful feeling came over me while I was looking at her. I'm sad about her all the time, but this was the first time in months that I really let myself feel the loss.

I just kept looking at her face thinking,"holy. crap. that baby in the picture is MY daughter. MY daughter is dead".

After that, I couldn't really get a whole lot of work done. I moved very slowly, and didn't end up coming home until almost 8:00pm.

How in the world is it possible that we're coming up on her second birthday? I can't even imagine what it would be like with a 2 year old little girl running around here. I don't really even want to let myself think about it. It's just too hard.

We miss you, little one.

2011-08-27T20:00:00.005-05:00

I am lame.

I don't know what my problem has been lately. I feel like I have a thousand things that I want to post about, yet I still haven't posted any of them.

Thanks for checking up on me to make sure I'm okay!

I'm still here, I promise. Things are crazy 'round here right now.

I'll be back! :)

Illuminate Week #3

2011-08-04T23:47:00.002-05:00

This one will be very short and sweet...

I am thankful for...

the ability to see the beauty in the little things in life.

I am thankful that I've learned the importance of taking nothing for granted

and always stopping to appreciate what's going on now instead of always planning for the future

illuminate, week #2

2011-07-24T22:24:00.000-05:00

The focus of this week's illuminate assignments is "light". As soon as I read the assignment, I thought of a beautiful song that my friend Meredith shared with me a couple of months ago. I'm sure some of you have heard it by now, Christian radio stations play it pretty frequently. She sent the link to the music video to me in a Facebook message, and said that the Livie had been on her heart recently, and that when she heard this song she thought of us. It's sung by Addison Road, whose song "Hope Now" really helped me get through some dark months.

This Little Light, by Addison Road

There's a little flame inside us all

Some shine bright, some shine small
The rains will come and the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain, joy and sorrow
So when it hurts, when times get hard
Don't forget whose child you are

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

May you live each day with no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide when you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart

With the ones you love treasure the time
And for those who are gone keep their memories alive
Hold on to your dreams don't ever let go
There's a fire inside you burning with hope

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There will be days when you want to give up
When the clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don't you ever forget

One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus' face
So until then I'm gonna try
To brave the dark and let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There's a little light inside us all

When thinking about life in terms of light... the several months after Olivia's death were extremely dark. And I'm not just talking about my mood. First of all, it was winter, which meant the days were usually dark and dreary anyway. But, because Kurt worked nights and slept during the day, and I was off of school and work on "maternity leave", I slept during the day, also. I basically was only awake during the night. If I was awake during the daytime hours, I kept the blinds closed if at all possible. I was depressed almost all of the time and rarely happy. It felt comfortable to be in a dark cloud all the time. I felt out of my element and un-natural if I had to go somewhere and put on a happy, smiley face. It was never genuine, and I couldn't wait to go back to our apartment, crawl back onto the couch with my blanket, and turn on the TV.

At some point though, things changed. I don't remember what it was that made me start thinking about things differently, or how long it took me, but I'm proud of myself for getting to this place.

Now, I refuse to live in a world filled with nothing but darkness. When we wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is open the blinds and let in as much sunlight as possible - literally and figuratively. Even though I may have really needed those couple of "dark" months to grieve and heal, I don't want to waste any more of the life that I was given. Losing Livie forced me to learn that nothing in life is a guarantee, and that I'm here for a reason. I know that my reason for living is not to stay hibernating in a dark apartment with the shades drawn.

Even though those months surrounding her death were the darkest days of my life, I know that she is the light who brightens up my world.

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me - shine until tomorrow, let it be" - The Beatles

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light... so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us" - Meister Eckhart

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness, for it shows me the stars" - Og Mandino

"There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in your heart" - Chandogya Upandishad

Illuminate Post #1

2011-07-17T21:23:00.002-05:00

The following post is a part of a self portrait assignment for "Illuminate: Lighting the Path to Photographic Healing" course I'm taking. It's offered by Beryl of Be Young Photography.
Click the link above if you are interested in learning about the course!

Sweet Livie,
It's been a long time since I've written you a letter. I have written about you on this blog so many times, but I guess writing about you is a little bit less emotional than writing directly to you... so maybe that's why I've avoided it. I can tell already that this class is going to break me out of my comfort zone in so many ways - and that's a really good thing.

I don't even remember the last time I wrote you a letter. I do remember the first time though. Your Grandma and Grandpa told Daddy and I that they each wrote a letter to Katie after she was stillborn to put in her casket at her funeral. We loved that idea, so the night before you funeral, we stayed up late handwriting you letters. I typed them up so that we would have copies to keep for ourselves... but I still haven't been able to look back at them. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, but I like knowing that they're there for someday.

I remember crying the whole time I was writing. Now that it's been almost 20 months since that day, I am able to write about you and your story without completely losing it... but I remember the days when I could barely say your name without tearing up. But just because I don't cry as often as I did then doesn't mean I love you any less. I worry that becaue I appear to be "back to my old self" to most people, they will think that I've "gotten over you". I wish everyone could understand that it doesn't work like that. I will never be over you. I might be able to go out and have fun, and wear a smile on my face all day long... but that doesn't mean that my heart isn't still broken. I know it always will be to some extent... and I'm okay with that. I don't want to feel "normal". Or at least, not the old normal... because the way I felt before you was worse than the way I feel now. Because then, I hadn't met you yet. And I wouldn't want to change that for the world.
I still think of you every day, and I know Daddy does too. Now, instead of being sad every time you cross my mind, most of the time I am happy. Happy that you blessed our lives for the thirty-some weeks that we knew you were in my tummy, and the three days that we knew you "on the outside". But even though I am so happy that I knew you, my heart will always ache. I know that until we meet again someday, a piece of my heart will always be in heaven with you. Someday, you will have siblings who will hold their own pieces of my heart, but there will always be a part of it that is solely and uniquely yours. I am so proud to be able to say that you were our first baby, our first little girl. (Okay, maybe I lied about being able to write without crying).

Do you know how many gifts you have given me? I don't know if I can even count them all. You made me a mommy, and taught me how to love in a way that I didn't know existed. In my opinion, that is one of the biggest gifts a woman can receive. You taught me to see beauty in the little things, and to cherish every second of life and never let it pass me by. You death was the biggest tragedy of our lives, but because you died, I will never be able to take life, or time, for granted again... like I'm sure I did before you. Because of you, I met some of the most amazing women and formed friendships baby-loss mamas all over the country. They never would have come into my life without you.

I always knew that Daddy and I would love each other forever, but because of you, we have a closeness and an understanding of each others emotions that probably would have taken years to discover if we hadn't had to deal with losing you so unexpectedly. And on that same note, your Grandma and I were able to grow in our relationship because of you. Two first born daughters, who unexpectedly lost their first born daughters at the very end of their very first pregnancies. My mom and I were always close, but now we understand each other in a completely different way.

I could go on and on listing the ways you've blessed my life, sweet girl, but I think I've made my point. I hope you know how glad I am to be your mama, and that I as awful as those months after your death were for me and your Dad, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I can still feel the weight of you in my arms, and if I close my eyes and breathe, I can smell your shampoo and the detergent that was used to wash your blankets and little pink sleeper.

I love you more than the moon and all of the stars in the sky. I miss you every single day.

Love,
Mama

The one self portrait that I liked enough to post: This is the pink bear that sat on Olivia's casket in the middle of a huge flower arrangement at her memorial service. The priest handed her to me just before her casket was lowered into the ground. He told me to take her home with me and hug her every time I needed to feel Olivia. It's hard to see in this picture, but her face is kind of smashed up because I slept with her for months after that, and still do sometimes.

I'm just throwin' this one in for good measure. I sat outside and hand wrote the above letter with a glass of wine the other night.

I'm back!!

2011-07-09T23:33:00.003-05:00

Hi friends.

Sorry for alarming some of you. I've gotten a couple of e mails and comments asking me if I'm doing okay, since I wasn't in the best place at the time of my last post, and I haven't written since then. Thank you all for the sweet messages :).

I sort of let myself fall away from the blogging world for a few weeks. Kurt and I moved into our new apartment about two weeks ago, so between working and packing and unpacking, and having family in town for the 4th, I haven't had time to even think about writing.

Also - my computer has a ridiculous virus and my hard drive is completely shot. My laptop is the only computer we have that has Photoshop on it, and since I haven't been able to edit my pictures, I kind of let my photography stuff go by the wayside too!

Things are good though. I'll post again VERY soon. Sorry for being so lame and boring! Right now, my very tired, sore, sun burned body is going to sleep!

Where I am...

2011-06-06T18:54:00.000-05:00

Kristin from Dear Stevie recently posted about the Right Where I Am Project, which was started by Angie, another blogger. You write about your grief, and what it's like right now, so that new baby loss mamas who stumble across your blog can get an idea of what the grief experience is like further down the road, and so that people who are further down the road can reflect on how far they've come in their grief. I've been having a difficult time writing about grief related things lately, so I thought maybe this would be a good starting place.
So, Where am I right now, this very second, in my grief?
It's been one year, six months and seventeen days. Most days, I really can't believe it's been that long. Other days, it seems like it has been a lifetime since we last held that tiny little girl in the "transition" room at the hospital.

I definitely still have moments where I think, "this is bullshit, I can't believe it happened to us". But it's in a different way now. Don't get me wrong - I still miss Olivia SO much it hurts. But it's different now, because in the beginning I couldn't even imagine having another baby. I wanted that baby. Now, I'm able to miss her and still be hopeful and excited about having future children. I remember in the beginning, feeling like that day would never come. But it still doesn't feel fair. I guess that's because it isn't, and it never will be... no amount of rationalizing or talking about the positive things that came as a result of losing her will ever make it feel "okay".
Kurt and I were talking last night about how losing her makes almost everything more difficult and complicated than it should be. We were talking about having kids, and about how scared we are to try again. I have said this before, but because my pregnancy with Olivia wasn't planned, we weren't exactly ready to have a baby - we weren't even living together yet when I got pregnant. If she had never existed, we would have probably not had started "trying" to have kids for another few years. Because we know that's what's smart financially for us {even though our hearts may think otherwise}, we're waiting. It's been unbelievably hard to watch almost every.single.one of my blog-friends who lost babies right around the same time that we dod go on to have babies. Several of them are pregnant now, and several of them have had babies in the last couple of months. I am SO happy for them, but it's been difficult to find women to relate to. I'm in this weird in-between stage where I want to have another baby more than anything, but I'm not trying to concieve like half of the BLM community, and I haven't had a second baby like the other half of the BLM community. I haven't found anyone else who wants a baby, but isn't trying to have one - and not because of a medical reason, just because it's not practical. We had to scramble {and if you know us in real life, you know that we really were scrambling} to get everything in order for Olivia. We had to find a two bedroom place that we could afford when we weren't really quite ready to move in together anyway, and scrape together as much money as possible to afford all of the things she would need. I never want to do that again. I want to be completely prepared next time. I have said that to a few friends who have had babies in the last year or two, and they all tell me that you're never completely prepared, and that if I were to get pregnant now or whenever, it would be the right time. I agree with that... and obviously I know that anything can happen and we could be pregnant again before we're "ready", but I would like to try and be a little bit more responsible this time.

And there aren't very many newlyweds who have lost a baby. We don't really fit in with any of our friends, and that's a lot harder than you'd think. On one hand, we sort of fit in with our newly married friends who don't have kids yet. But they either aren't planning on having babies at all, or not for several years. I think both Kurt and I really feel like parents, because pregnancy and especially dealing with our loss made us grow up quite a bit faster than we probably would have otherwise. Lots of newlyweds are still going out to bars and getting drunk on the weekends with their friends... and we really don't do that. And then on the other hand, we don't quite fit in with our friends who have kids either. I've only been pregnant and had a baby for three days... so I don't know what it's like to have a baby at home to take care of. There are two couples that we're really close with. One of them was pregnant while I was, except I was a several months ahead of her. I had Olivia in November, and their baby was born in April. Then, coincidentally, the day their baby was born, the other couple found out that they were pregnant! Their baby was born on Christmas. So for a full year after Livie died, I got to feel like part of the group, talking about pregnancy pains and c-section scars. But now they both have their kids at home. I love their kids, to them we are "Uncle Kurt and Aunt Betsy" - they feel like family, and I can spend time at their houses and play with the babies without getting overwhelmingly sad or upset, but it is still hard to hang out with them without thinking that we should be a group of 9 - three guys who were best friends in high school, and their wives and babies who are all only a few months apart. Our kids should be growing up together, and now they won't.

So that's where we are. We're stuck here in this kind of limbo area, and it's a very strange feeling.

I should say though, that for the most part, we're very happy. That's something that I want new BLMs to know. Yes, we are still sad and probably always will be in some way or another, but it really does get better. Despite the hard days, life has already gotten so much better than I ever thought it would be in those first dark weeks and months.

It does get better.

The Wall That Heals

2011-05-31T10:41:00.001-05:00

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Yesterday afternoon, Kurt and I went to watch the "Wall That Heals" come into town. It's a replica of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall that travels around the country, and it was escorted into town by about 300 motorcycles. Almost all of the riders were veterans, and their motorcycles all had American flags on the backs. Their route to Memorial Park, where the wall will be displayed, was published online, so we went to watch it from a pedestrian bridge that goes over one of the streets they rode down. We were actually pretty surprised, there were only about 8 other people watching. Kurt filmed it with his phone, and the motorcycles came continuously 2x2 for over two minutes.

Kurt was wearing his veterans hat. The yellow letters against the black fabric and the bright ribbons in the middle are pretty recognizable, especially to other vets. Several times just before a bike would pass under the bridge, the driver would look up and salute Kurt and the Vietnam vet who was standing next to us, who was also wearing his hat. By the third or fourth time Kurt saluted back, I was in tears. I was overwhelmed with such a feeling of gratitude. So thankful for those who gave their lives so that we can all know freedom, and so thankful that my husband stayed safe through two deployments to Iraq and was able to stand next to me on that bridge.

I hope that everyone enjoyed their long weekend resting, spending time with friends and family, and grilling out to kick-off summer! Never forget the reason for Memorial Day!

Preach it, Oprah!

2011-05-28T01:36:00.000-05:00

I just stayed up way too late watching the last couple of Oprah episodes that I didn't have time to watch this week. I wrote down these two quotes from her final episode that I really wanted to remember, and really wanted to share them here. They are both absolutely beautiful. I love Oprah, but I know that a lot of people don't.... so read them anyway, and if you don't like Oprah, just pretend that they were said by someone else that you really like. I think they're amazing pieces of advice that I never want to forget.

“We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or worthy. You are worthy because you are born and because you are HERE. Your being here, your being alive, makes worthiness your birth right. You alone, are enough”.

"I know I’ve never been alone, and you haven’t either. I know that that presence, that flow, some people call it Grace, is working in my life at every single turn. And yours too, if you let it in. It’s closer than your breath, and it is yours for the asking. I have felt the presence of God my whole life. Even when I didn’t have a name for it I could hear a voice bigger than myself speaking to me. All of us have that same voice. Be still, and know it. You can acknowledge it, or not. You can worship it or not, you can praise it, you can ignore it. Or you can know it. KNOW IT. It’s always there speaking to you, and waiting for you to hear it. In every move, in every decision. I wait and I listen, I’m still. I wait and listen for the guidance that’s greater than my meager mind. The only time I’ve made mistakes is when I didn’t listen.

So what I know is… God Is love. And God is LIFE. And your life is always speaking to you."

GTKY Sunday

2011-05-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

I am trying to get back into the swing of blogging regularly. I promise. And by that I mean writing more original posts again. But because I know that isn't going to happen today, I am going to link up again with Keely over on Mannland5 for Getting to Know You Sunday!

1. what's your favorite rainy day activity?

I love, love rainy days. When it's icky outside I love to cozy up on the couch with a book/movie/google reader, or catch up on scrapbooking.
2. what time do you go to bed?
Well, now that I've had to start getting up SO early to get ready for work and drive all the way downtown, I've been going to bed at about 10:30. I don't even think that's early enough, but I can't force myself to go any earlier!

3. how many magazines do you subscribe to?
None. But I used to get Self, Shape and Women's Health and I am thinking about renewing at least one of those.
4. did you sell all your belongings because you thought the world was ending yesterday?
Hahaha... No. I have actually been wondering what the heck all of those people did do today though! And what about those people who quit their jobs to "campaign" for the rapture? I feel bad for them.
5. what's your beauty obssesion?
I don't really have one. Is that sad? I think it is.
6. if you could only wear one designer/brand for the rest of your life...what would it be?
Pretty much all of the clothes I like/wear the most right now are from LOFT. So.... I guess that's what I'd pick right now.

7. what's your summer must have?
flip flops.
8. do you make weekly dinner menus?
Nope. But, I actually was just thinking today that I should probably start being a little bit better about that... I think it would be much better for our budget!

I hope everyone has a great week! I have not been very good at reading/commenting on friends' blogs lately.. so I'm going to go try and catch up on that while my husband watches the season finale of Family Guy......

James Frey made me cry!

2011-05-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces was on Oprah the other day. And yes - I do DVR Oprah every single day. I love that show and I am not ashamed :).

Anyway, did any of you guys read that book? I bought it back when it was on the NYT Best Seller list, but never read it, and now I can't find it. If you don't know anything about the controversy surrounding the book, I'll give you a little recap: James Frey wrote a book that he claimed was a completely true memoir about his life as a drug addict/alcoholic, and went on Oprah talking about how it was all true when she made it her book club selection. Countless numbers of people read the book and it's sales skyrocketed. He and Oprah both got tons of letters about how much it was helping former addicts understand themselves, etc. As it turns out, most of the story was NOT true, and he went on the Oprah show again where she called him out for lying to millions of people. Some people got extremely upset about it, others said, if it helped people... who cares if it was true or not? SO, after several years, he went back on Oprah this week. Their conversation was split up between two episodes where they kind of apologized to each other and then talked about how his life has changed since that "scandal" happened.

Kurt and I were actually watching it together which rarely happens - the whole two day series was amazing, and made me want to order the book again. But the best part, was when James opened up to Oprah about the death of his son Leo, who died in the NICU when he was 12 days old of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It was totally unexpected, and I of course was in tears. Kurt didn't get quite as emotional as I did, but we were definitely both glued to the TV.

I have always said that I wish more people would talk about their experiences publicly so that the general public who has not lost a baby could have even the smallest understanding of what it's like. I've also posted before about wishing that dads would be more open about it, so that other dads wouldn't feel like it's weird to get emotional.

My favorite part was when Oprah was trying to talk to James about when he went back to work or something after Leo died, and she said, "...so after you recovered from that", and he cut her off immediately and said that he still hasn't recovered from it, and that he didn't even think it was possible to recover from it. He will always be sad. While he was talking about this, I was saying "thank you, thank you, thank you" in my head. That's the one thing that I think everyone should know about what it's like to lose a child. There have definitely been times when I've wanted to stand on top of a mountain and scream, "I WILL NEVER BE OVER IT".

I'm pretty sure that the closest thing to yelling from the top of a mountain... is talking to Oprah on international television.

He also spoke a lot about how losing a child makes so many other things seem so insignificant and "not matter much", and gives you a completely new perspective on life.

PLEASE, please click here to watch watch the clip from James Frey's interview with Oprah if you haven't seen the actual episode.

Also, I did some googling, and found this blog post that James wrote for World Aids Day in 2009 - the first time he wrote/spoke publicly about his son. I think he has an amazing heart.

Ruffled Burlap Table Runner

2011-05-15T14:55:00.001-05:00

My friend Katie has been bugging me to post this for WEEKS now, and I'm finally getting around to it!
This is the first and only thing I've made with my sewing machine so far. I had such high aspirations of quickly sewing everything that I've spent the last year or so bookmarking the tutorials for... but real life got in the way.

I made this spring table runner using this tutorial from Tatertots & Jello. It sits on a black, drop-leaf kitchen table that I've turned into a console/sofa table, because we don't have a dining area right now. The table used to be my parents when they first got married, and it was a hand-me-down to them as well, but I can't remember whose it was first. It has been sanded down and re-painted way too many times to count. My mom had it painted an off-white color, and I re-painted it black a couple of years ago, but had no idea what I was doing. I didn't sand it down far enough, and I painted it with a high gloss black paint (why!? I have no idea). Now, if a piece of paper sits on it for too long, it sticks to the table, and glass candle holders or picture frames etc. leave permanent rings/marks. This summer I am going to re-finish it the RIGHT way, but for now, it really needed something to cover up it's ugly-ness.

I had to improvise a little bit, because I didn't read all of the directions before I went to Joann's for the supplies! Instead of quilt batting, I used a double thickness of really thick white felt that I had left over from making a Valentine's Day wreath (that may or may not still be hanging on the wall in my bedroom...).

I also didn't have quilt binding, so I just used strips of the same fabric that I used to make the ruffles.

It might not be professional quality, haha, but think it turned out pretty well for my first sewing machine project ever.

Graduation!!

2011-05-11T18:29:00.000-05:00

I am really trying to get back in the habit of more regular posting, I promise!! The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy and have really thrown me for a loop! I think I got a little bit too used to having a lot of time to be on the couch with my computer blogging and reading blogs. I'm finally feeling a little bit more adjusted to being a "real" grown up who is out of college with a real job.

ETA: Someone asked me what my new job is... I don't know if I've ever said it here? I just started on Monday as a Child and Family Services Specialist for the State of Nebraska, Department of Health and Human Services.

I graduted from college with my Bachelor's degree last Friday. I am SO glad that six years of undergrad FINALLY are over with. We didn't go to the formal graduation ceremony because our student social work organization put together a ceremony for just us in the morning. Also, I didn't feel like sitting through the 4 hour ceremony later in the day.

Kurt and I

Me with my mom, grandma, and dad

My sister Abbie and I

And because I told Jenna I would post it {Even though I would have anyway :) } a picture of our entire class. We moved through the program together as a "cohort" and got to know each other VERY well. I will really miss seeing these people all the time!

Out to lunch with the whole fam after the ceremony.

AND in the evening, Kurt and I went to go look at cars to get an idea of what we wanted to trade mine in for... and came home with a Mazda 3.

And don't worry, I think I'm done with the extremely picture-heavy posts for a while!

Project Life Tuesday .... Honeymoon Edition!

2011-05-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

We got back from our honeymoon to the DC area almost two weeks ago, but I haven't posted any of the pictures yet! These aren't even the exact pictures that are going in our album, but I took over 600, and just haven't had the time to go through them yet. These are some of my favorites though.

Flowers outside Christ Church in Alexandria, VA where we stayed

This was our last night. We were out to dinner at an AMAZING sea food place in Alexandria. Notice the "Virginia is for Lovers" bumper sticker! haha. We asked our waiter to take this picture.

On the balcony of our hotel room

One of the only Cherry Blossom trees still blooming while we were there, and the Capitol.

Kurt on a paddle boat on the Reflecting Pool in front of the Jefferson Memorial

On our balcony on our last night in town

In George Washington's pew at Christ Church, which is now the pew that each president since Woodrow Wilson has sat in during Sunday services, except Nixon, Clinton and Kennedy.

On the most ridiculously cold and windy ferry ride to Mount Vernon EVER! My hair was really cute in the morning before we left! Haha, needless to say it went straight up into a ponytail when we got off the boat :)

Hope you all are having a great week!

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T22:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day! To all of my wonderful friends who have lost a baby - or two, or three - I hope you all had a peaceful, relaxing day, remembering and celebrating those little ones who gave you the precious gift of motherhood.

I have this poem saved on my computer {I didn't save the author, so if you know, let me know!}, and thought it was very fitting for Mother's Day.

When a baby arrives,

be it for a day, a month, a year or more,

or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-

the fragile spark of a tender soul

the secret swell of a new pregnancy

the goldfish flutter known to only you-

you are unmistakeningly changed...

the tiny footprints left behind on your heart

bespeak your name as Mother.

I had a nice day today. It wasn't necessarily a difficult day... but I missed Olivia like I always do. I just re-read my post from last year, and I don't think I could write anything better for this year than what I wrote then... "I wish Livie was here to "help" Kurt make me breakfast, and I wish I were able to sit here holding my almost 6-month old little girl instead of writing a post about my first Mother's Day without her... But I am so thankful that I am her mommy, and that I got to do the things that I did get to do with her. I spent three perfect days with her, and today I will choose to celebrate that".

We slept in this morning instead of going to church, and then got ready and headed to the cemetary. Instead of flowers this year, we took some little pinwheels and dragonfly garden things that I found at Hobby Lobby.

Kurt got me a beautiful scarf with dragonflies on it. I'm wearing it in the picture below, although you can't really see the dragonflies. I'll try to remember to take a closer picture sometime soon and post it. We went to brunch with Kurt's family and in the afternoon we went over to my parents to spend some time with my mom, and then drove her to my Grandma's so they could go to a movie. I really wanted to go, because they were seeing Water for Elephants whichis one of my favorite books, but tomorrow is my first day of work and I wanted to get some things done this evening. We had spaghetti for dinner and went and got frozen yogurt for desert. We're watching Band of Brothers now, and I'm in the process of painting my nails for tomorrow :).

United we stand

2011-05-02T23:49:00.001-05:00

I don't feel right about posting anything else until I say something about the news that our country received last night - that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I don't ever use this blog as a platform to voice my political opinions... mostly because I usually don't have any... and I know there are all sorts of opinions about why our troops have "really" been in the middle east for the last 10 years, and which president did what, and who deserves credit for certain things. I don't really want to get into the politics of all of this stuff, I just want to talk about the core issue at hand.

I understand that we have a long way to go and that terrorism did not die along with Osama Bin Laden. I get that. I think everyone gets that, no educated person would think otherwise. But I can't understand why people are missing the point. I have seen so many critical facebook statuses over the past 24 hours, and it makes me sick.

What this means is that we have taken a huge step TOWARD peace. It means that the hard, HARD work that our troops have been doing for so long has finally payed off. As the wife of a Marine who graduated from high school early to enlist, specifically because of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, I am SO proud of our military and I think everyone should be. I'm not just saying this because I'm biased because I'm the wife of a USMC sgt., I would be feeling this way whether or not I had a Marine for a husband.

One of my good friends put this as her facebook status today, and I couldn't have said it better myself..
"Despite strides forward, people feel the need to continue complaining about how things are being run/done. If you don't like it, then run for president. I'm sure people would complain about you too, because that is what we do in America when we have nothing better to talk about. Rather than focusing on the good in our lives, we prefer to be bitter, nasty, and cold to each other."

It makes me sad that something that should have been a unifying event for our country, if only for a short time, is bringing out the worst in people. I actually heard someone say today that they were ashamed to live in the USA because of what was done to Bin Laden. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but the thing that breaks my heart about it all, is that the very people who are being criticized are the ones who fight each day for the people who are doing the criticizing to be able to freely do so. I wonder if that has even occured to those who speak hatefully about our troops. Whether you agree with why they're over there or not... they're putting their lives at risk every day FOR. YOU. There's nothing political about that - it shouldn't even be an issue. If someone saved your life on the street by pushing you out of the way of a moving bus, would you not say thank you?

I also really, really like this statement that the Vatican issued today, which applies to all Christians, not just Catholics...

"In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred".

I love those words. Every American who considers themselves to be a Christian should read this statement and truly think and reflect upon what they mean.

And finally, to close what I thought was going to be a one-paragraph blog post, I want to share a prayer written by a wonderful woman who I am fortunate to know. Because in case you forgot, we are supposed to stand united as one nation, under God, individisble, with liberty and justice for all.

May civility win out over rhetoric.
And let us be thankful, but not arrogant...
Joyful, but not pretentious.
Let us all be united in our desire to make the world a better, more peaceful place to live.
Let us be thankful for a military that defends, and pray for political and military leaders to make wise decisions in the days and weeks to come.
And let us all do our part in our own little corner of the world as we. discuss these events to be careful that dialogue does not lead to divisiveness.
Let us all do our part to focus on points of unity and move forward with the courage and commitment that makes us uniquely American.
amen.

March for Babies 2011

2011-05-02T01:32:00.001-05:00

Today was our March for Babies! It also happened to be International Babylost Mother's Day, which I think was a wonderful coincidence. I hope all of my BLM friends were able to do something sweet for yourselves today - each and every single one of you totally deserve it.

MOST of our team members who walked today! My aunt and a few other people had to work this afternoon so they left early, but regardless...this is a HUGE group! So amazing.

{I also want to say thank you again to http://www.danielle-moss.com/ for designing our adorable shirts for this year, and to http://www.maeandpearl.com/ for printing them. You guys are all fantastic :) }

We had amazing weather this year for the walk. Last year, it was RIDICULOUSLY cold for the end of April, and we were pretty miserable until the end of the walk when it finally warmed up a bit. We had over 30 people actually walking for our team today, plus several littles riding in strollers, and nine dogs. We also had several team members who had to work or had other family obligations and couldn't make it out, so all in all we had a HUGE team! I am almost positive that if there was an award for the team with the most dogs, ours would have won it! I was actually pretty surprised that they all behaved so well! Kurt let our puppies run and run and run in an open field for about an hour this morning while we were passing out shirts and waiting for people to arrive, which was a smart idea because otherwize they would have been ca-razy.

I want to say a big thank you to anyone who participated this year. Whether you walked, made a donation, purchased a shirt, or just thought of Olivia today, we appreciate you so much. As of right now, our team has raised $550! I have been talking all day about how blessed we are to have so many wonderful friends and family members. I just can't say it enough! We are just blessed beyond belief!

Here are some pictures from today - Oh, and our shirts made it on the news again! Haha! I didn't want to be interviewed again (I hate talking on camera!) so I avoided the guy but he filmed the back of Kurt's shirt.

Kurt and I before the walk

Kurt and our good friends Dave and Lindsay's daughter Bailey Rae - The babies who "walked" got Team Livie Bean onesies that matched our shirts, They were so cute!

My favorite part - Olivia's sign on the "Miracle Mile". I forgot that I ordered one until someone told me that they saw it on their way in! That was a sweet surpise!

I was also fortunate enough to meet two women this weekend who have impacted me greatly since Olivia died. I think I've posted about her before, but at that time, Kurt worked with a woman named Madeline. She had lost three babies - Joseph and Gracie, as well as a miscarried baby that she didn't name. Within the last 18 months, she has been blessed with not one, but two sweet litttle girls, Rylie and Halle. She was the only person he worked with that could even begin to understand what he was going through, and she reached out to him and helped him get through those initial few weeks back at work. She and I messaged quite a bit on facebook and exchanged phone numbers, but never met in person, and Kurt quit that job not too long after that. She saw my post about or MOD team on facebook, and asked if she and her family could participate. She stopped by our house yesterday with her girls to pick up their shirts/onesies, and when I met her in the driveway, I felt like we'd known eachother forever! It felt so good to finally give her a hug. After we saw Livie's Miracle Mile sign, she hugged me and we cried together. I have cried with many, many friends and received many, many hugs... but there's nothing quite like crying with someone who understands every single ounce of pain you've felt. I wish it hadn't taken us 17 months to finally get our flipping acts together and get together! haha.

I also got to meet Lia today, the amazing woman who I was randomly matched with for Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange at Christmas time this past year. She and her husband had a stillborn daughter named Sofia Rose, and recently miscarried her little sibling that they named Sam. After the gift exchange we continued to e-mail and comment on each others blogs, but hadn't met until today! While I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get my team together for a group picture, she recognized me and stopped me to say hi! I didn't recognize her at first, but instantly saw her pin with Sofia's picture on it, and there's no way that I could forget that sweet little face! We talked briefly and had her husband take a picture of us together, but I was on a mission to find my team members before a bunch of people had to leave to get to their next commitment of the day. I feel bad because I had to run off, and I hope she didn't think that I didn't want to talk with her... I'm looking forward to hopefully getting to spend some real time together sometime soon! She hasn't sent me the picture yet, but I will post it whenever I get it.

Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone who supported our team this year! You mean more to us than you know.

Royal Wedding

2011-04-30T01:27:00.000-05:00

To be perfectly honest, I never thought I'd get in to this Royal Wedding thing! I have been mildly interested throughout their engagement, but mostly just because I'm a sucker for anything wedding-related, especially when the wedding is bound to be a real-life fairy tale. I didn't think I'd actually watch the wedding... maybe just see the hilights on E! News.

BUT then, my Grandma decided to have a "Royal Wedding Viewing Party"! She DVR'd the wedding coverage {because we weren't quite crazy enough to wake up before 4am to watch}, and we watched it together this afternoon. I was kind of up in the air about going at first because I didn't think I really cared about watching the entire ceremony, but decided to go because I thought it would be fun to spend the afternoon with the girls of the family {My grandma, mom, sister and aunt}.

We had such a fun time. I actually ended up loving watching the wedding. I love that it seemed so much like a real life fairy tale... and I know that fairy tales are often times not at all what they seem to be, but it is kind of fun to imagine William and Kate living happily ever after. And OH my word, that dress. I don't think anyone could have even imagined anything more perfect. I thought she looked exactly like a princess should look.

Even though I loved the dresses (and hats) and the fairy-tale-ness of the wedding, I think my favorite thing about watching was just knowing that I (and the other 2 billion people who watched the wedding on TV) witnessed something that is going to be a big part of history. I love Royal history, and I think all of the traditions that the British royals have kept alive for hundreds of years are so fascinating.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some pictures of the cute party that my Grandma put together this afternoon. She got so in to it which made it even more fun.

Lemon cookies and cupcakes...

Tea and Crumpets!

She went all out and made chicken salad on croissants and cucumber toasts with fruit for lunch

She even put pearls around her candles!

And she broke out the Red Hat Society hats for us to wear! We actually only wore them for this picture though, haha.

Thank you for having us over Grandma! I had so much fun!

a Project Life Tuesday post... very late!

2011-04-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

Yikes... I began this post before we left for our Honeymoon over a week ago and forgot to finish it and post it! I don't even remember the dates for these photos at this point, but here are a bunch of my Project Life pics that I haven't posted yet! Totally out of order, but all I care about is that they're up!

I made this four layer cake for Kurt's birthday, which was April 18th. It was vanilla and red velvet. It was an absolute lop-sided disaster! The ugliest cake ever, but it tasted REALLY good.

The picture on the left is from Kurt's birthday, he's holding up all of the books he got for his birthday, and on the right is a picture of me at the Omaha Storm Chasers opening day,which was also the opening day of our brand new baseball park. My favorite thing about going to games is ballpark hot dogs... and one of the new concession stand is called "Hot Dog Nation", so Kurt made me pose in front of it! Haha. These are two 3x4 images that I printed on a 4x6, and cut them apart to fit in the places in the album where the journaling cards ordinarily go.

Kurt took the dogs to play at the lake and they got VERY muddy. While he was there, he ran into a guy who told him about the dog wash... which is essentially like a self-serve car wash but for dogs!. He said he loves it because it uses warm water. We thought we'd try it out because our dogs think they're in trouble every time we have to use the hose in the back yard! They absolutely hated it but it was pretty funny. This one is Molly, and Buddy is below.

Two more pictures of Kurt at the Storm Chasers game. It was FRREEEZING cold by the end of it, apparently Nebraska thinks that it's still winter. I had to go to my car to dig some gloves out of the trunk, and we bought a stadium blanket. I really hope real spring arrives soon!

pants are too big!

2011-04-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

This past week or so has been very strange for me fitness-wise. Having that tooth extracted messed me up. From Tuesday through Friday afternoon, I ate nothing but mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese pretty much. I didn't really feel guilty because I didn't really have a choice, but the crazy increase in carbs as well as the complete lack of exercise was making me feel pretty icky. I went to Zumba on Monday night and could barely keep up with the class. I actually left halfway through. That was embarassing... but I should NOT have tried to go. I went even though I knew I shouldn't have with the pain killers I was on... they made me RIDICULOUSLY hot within the first 5 minutes.

Anyway, despite of all that, I'm down a few pounds! I even had a little confidence booster moment this morning! Back in march, I went shopping at Kohl's and got some new dress pants for my job interview. I convinced myself that they looked good in the dressing room, but when I put them on the next morning at home, I just knew they were too tight. So I put on a pair that I already owned, and planned on returning the new ones. Except I never did... so this morning, I said to myself, "Self, you've already waited so long to return those pants, maybe they'll fit now... just wear 'em! You are going to need more dress clothes for your new job anyway!" So I put them on... and they were too big! Like, ridiculous big. I felt like I was wearing clown pants or something. I was kind of mad because now I still have to return them (if they'll let me), but also very excited that I've lost more inches than I thought! Maybe I should start measuring myself instead of weighing.

hmm...

Project Life Tuesday!

2011-04-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

There was no PLTuesday post to link up to last week @The Mom Creative, so I took the week off :) here are my photos from this week, plus some extra because I'm playing catch-up.

March 31

Kurt and I went to our room to go to bed, and found that Molly had already made herself at home right in the middle!

April 1
Pretty self explanatory... I made this sweet potato for lunch, and it was shaped like heart so I took a picture. Ha!

April 2
My sister-in-law Jordynn had her end-of-the-year show choir performance at her high school. She is the one toward the middle of the photo with the purple pinafore and purple bow.

April 3:
Kurt and I went to the "Pedastrian Bridge" that crosses the Missouri River and connects NE to IA. This is Kurt posing with half of his body on Nebraska, and half of it on Iowa.

April 4:

I finally joined the smart phone club... and got both Kurt and I addicted to playing Words With Friends.

April 5:
I spent almost 4 hours at the dentist having a tooth extracted and getting my temporary bridge put in. The pain was UNREAL, but when I got home, Kurt went to the store to get me things that I could actually eat for dinner... mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and ice cream! {Please excuse the crappy cell phone pic, and how crappy I look in it! haha!}

April 6:

Planning our trip to Washington DC!

April 7:
My sewing machine arrived!!!! I was so excited. It is my graduation present from my parents :)

April 8:

Practicing with my new sewing machine!

April 9:
We spent Saturday Evening and Sunday morning in Columbus, NE, visiting our friends Abi and Jeremy. Abi's sister Alysha who is also an amazing friend to me, just had a baby boy last week - Carter! He was so tiny and precious. We didn't get to spend much time at their house, but I'm looking forward to being able to go back soon and spend more time with him! {And Alysha too :)}

We helped babysit Abi and Jeremy's niece and nephew while we were there. Raegan and Landyn absolutely LOVED Kurt and were so happy while he was reading this story to them. Look at their faces. So sweet. This kind of thing definitely makes me restless to have more kids. What a precious picture.

I took so many pictures during the short time we were there, I made a collage of some of my favorites. Abigail was my roomate in college a few years ago, and the little doggie in the bottom right hand corner was our dog while we lived together. I somehow hadn't seen her since and I missed her so much!

April 10:
On our way out of town, Kurt and I visited the Columbus Veterans Memorial. This is Kurt pretending to shoot from a Higgins Boat.

Getting To Know You Sunday

2011-04-10T00:00:00.003-05:00

I'm linking up again today on Mannland5's "Getting To Know You Sunday"!
1. do you weigh yourself?
I blogged about this recently... I really have a love/hate relationship with my scale. I love to see progress... but the reality is, that the scale just doesn't change every single day. I have tried to limit myself to weighing once a week... but sometimes it ends up being 3 or 4 times a week. To be honest, when I have a "bad eating" day, where I cheated on our diet, I do weigh myself to see how much my weight was affected. Sometimes it depresses me, and sometimes it gives me more motivation to pick it back up the next day!

2. what's the nastiest thing you've ever eaten?
RICE CHEESE!!!! Without a doubt. Currently, Kurt and I are eating a 99% meat and dairy-free diet. So, while at Trader Joe's the other day {The most amazing grocery store ever known to man, and I can't believe we went so long without one here in Omaha!}, I found some dairy-free cheese that was made from rice. Decided to try it... BIG MISTAKE. It was "cheddar flavored". More like crap flavored. I had tasted it straight from the wrapper (they're wrapped up individually like American cheese singles), so I thought maybe it would be better on a sandwhich or something... I was wrong. very, very wrong!

3. snail mail or email?
Both! I love waking up to an inbox full of personal emails {meaning, emails from real people, not stores and Groupon etc.}... but there's nothing better than getting an actual, handwritten letter in the mail. That's just one of the many reasons why I love Christmas time!

4. do you have any irrational fears...what are they?
Oh, I don't know if any of my fears are completely irrational, but I do worry about my next pregnancy... whether or not something will happen to that baby. Because my mom and I are both the oldest in our families, and both lost our first child, a thought that has gone through my mind is, "is there some kind of family curse? where the oldest daughter loses her first daughter? is this going to happen to my next child?" Actually... I'm not the oldest, technically, since my parents lost Katie just before me, but I'm the oldest living child.

I know none of these things are true, and none of them are going to happen... but it's an unavoidable thought that has popped into my head on occasion.

5. do you play an instrument?
Nope! I took violin lessons at school in 4th grade because all of the "cool kids" were doing it, but I wasn't very good at it. I stopped mid-way throughout the year, I think.

6. would you rather be bitten by a snake or attacked by a bear?
Um... a snake! A snake bites you... a bear can rip apart your whole body! Why would anyone pick that!?

7. do you ever go braless in public?
Hahaha!! Anyone who knows me in real life is probably laughing right now. I am ... shall we say... extremely well endowed on top. I have been getting comments on how large my chest is since the early days of high school. Pregnancy and gaining weight has basically tripled their original size... so they're big. And not wearing a bra is simply not an option. I don't even like the feeling of going braless at home, unless it's time for bed! I wear a sports bra around the house if I don't have a regular one on:)

8. today i am thankful for........................?
So many things. For my husband who knew my mouth hurt and brought me a mocha protein shake home from the gym... for my wonderful friends and family, my doggies, and most of all today, all of the AMAZING people who made additional donations to Team Livie Bean for March of Dimes along with their t-shirt orders. We are so, so blessed.

March of Dimes FINAL PUSH!

2011-04-08T10:02:00.002-05:00

The March for Babies is only a few short weeks away, and our team has been working hard at fundraising. A friend recently gave me this idea, and I thought I'd post it here in case any of my lovely readers are interested. However, I do know that many of my followers are BLMs as well, and have their own March of Dimes teams.

You can still support Team Livie Bean, even if you live too far away to walk! For $20, you will recieve one of our beautiful shirts, and a donation will be made to the March of Dimes.

Orders have to be in by Friday, April 15, so please let me know if you are interested!

ETA: If you would like a shirt, you may submit your payment to me through paypal! Just put "Betsy.hills@yahoo.com into the payment box, and add a note with the size(s) that you need.

Thanks!

Have a wonderful Friday!!

BEST mail day ever!

2011-04-06T20:31:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, I spent over 3 hours in the dentist's chair. I had a tooth extracted and a temporary bridge put in. I have never had a cavity before or had any work done to my teeth other than cleanings, so I was absolutely terrified to go to my appointment. It actually wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting... until afterwards. My dad actually picked me up and brought me home, and I was bragging about how great I felt. Within about 20 minutes after I got home, I was in a world of pain. The pain in my mouth was so intense that I was dizzy, nautious and sick to my stomach. Because of that, I didn't want to eat... but I needed something in my stomach so I could take a pain pill! Kurt suggested that I drink some Milk. Because of the dizzyness, I tripped on the deck and spilled my milk all over my shirt and Molly. Horrible! My loving husband went to the grocery store and got me mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and icecream. Pretty much the only three things I can eat right now, and three things that are absolutely NOT on my diet! :)

{Please excuse how trashy I look! haha}

Because I've been eating so well for the past couple of weeks, I felt like total crap this morning! I took the day off and spent 99% of it on the couch! It was nice to be able to lay around all day without feeling like I should be up doing a bunch of things... but I still felt like total crap.
One thing that's always sure to cheer me up, is getting mail. I love getting mail... my favorite part about Christmas time is getting actual, real, mail... as opposed to the credit card offers and ads that fill up the mailbox on a daily basis.

I got THREE things in the mail today that I've been waiting for for what seems like forever!

My Zumba DVDs... which we pre-ordered a couple of months ago! Until now, there have been Zumba games for Wii and Xbox Kinect, but we just have a regular Xbox 360, so I couldn't get one! I had desperately been wanting to do Zumba at home during the days I can't make it to class, so I was thrilled to see that they were finally going to be releasing some. When we ordered, the website said they wouldn't be sent out until at least April 15th... so I freaked out when I saw them in our mailbox today! I really hope I feel better tomorrow afternoon so I can try them out. Also, they came with these one pound weights that sound like maracas when you shake them... Annoying, yes... but also super fun to annoy your husband with :)

I ordered two sewing books to go along with my graduation present from my parents (sewing machine). One of them is the book that Gussy recommends to new sewers. I paged through it this afternoon and it looks amazing. I checked the tracking on my sewing machine on Amazon this afternoon, and it appears as if it is going to arrive TOMORROW. I am beyond pumped about that!

AND, last but absolutely not least, finally, finally, finally, my camera strap from Shey B!!! I ordered this a quite a while ago, but her turn around time is about one month. I almost forgot about it. Love it. I was really hoping it would come in before we leave for our honeymoon to DC in a couple of weeks. So glad it did!

I hope everyone is having a great week!

NEW March for Babies shirt design!!

2011-04-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

I know that this is supposed to be Project Life Tuesday, but I don't care - I'm doing that tomorrow.

Today, I want to share this with you guys - Our March for Babies t-shirt design!

The AMAZING, amazing, amazing, amazing, Danielle of Danielle Moss Graphic Design and Photography{Formerly The Design Girl}, who also designed my blog, did the design for the shirts.

I am so excited, it's unreal. I designed them myself last year, and I liked them... but knew I wanted something a little bit more polished looking this time around. And she nailed it. I pretty much just gave her the words and she went to town. She is now my go-to person for ANYTHING design related. I don't know what else I'll need to have done in the future, but she seriously can do it all, and I love everything she comes up with.

The top part of the image will be on the back of the shirts, and the bottom is going to be on the front of the shirts, off to the side. I can't WAIT to get these back from the printer.

If I look at this for too long, I start crying - seriously. How sweet is that little bow on the "O"!? Pink bows remind us of Olivia, and I didn't even ask Danielle to add it. She just remembered that I told her that when she was working on this blog, and did it on her own. She rocks.

We have 26 people who will be wearing these shirts this year. It means so much to me to have something tangible that reminds me, and everyone else, of Olivia. I know that whenever our friends/family pull last year's shirt out of their drawers, they think of her instantly. That makes me so happy.

Thanks, Danielle :)

Turquoise LOVE

2011-04-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

Knowing that I now have a secured job lined up {for a while there, they had only "unofficially" offered the position to me so I was really hesitant about saying anything and tried not to think about it}, I am finally letting myself plan for our new home... whatever that might be. We are planning on renting, and my only requirement (Other than the obvious - MUST allow doggies!) is that I at least like the kitchen. I know that because it's a rental, it won't be my dream kitchen or anything like that... but I love to cook and spend a LOT of time in the kitchen, and since we more than likely won't be able to make any updates ourselves, I need to at least be able to walk in the room and not want to come right back out again.

Not knowing where we what kind of decor we were going to have created some problems while registering for our wedding gifts! In our apartment, I decorated the kitchen in shades of green... but didn't really like it all that much and knew I wanted to change it up. We decided to register for things that are as neutral in color as possible just to leave our options open. We also really only registered for functional things like utensils and small appliances, and almost no decor items... except the bedspread..... which I already posted about here.

But that's okay, because it's fun to not be pigeon holed into picking out decor items that are carried at the place where you registered! In our case, that was Target and Bed Bath & Beyond, which I love, but I also love having the freedom to pick things out from wherever I want!

I have been looking at kitchen decor for weeks now, ever since I had the job interview. I've decided that TURQUOISE is going to be one of the main colors in our new kitchen. I'm SO excited about this.

I am obsessed with this....

via

And this...

via

These last two are pictures of the same kitchen. I almost passed out when I saw this sink. Do you have any idea how obsessed I am with farmhouse sinks? Like, REALLY obsessed. I WILL have one some day.

And one more...

via

But because we probably won't be able to paint or install fancy new cabinets and appliances... nor will I probably ever have the balls to paint my cabinets turquoise, I am going to have to settle for some pretty turquoise accessories. Like this one...

via

I am EXTREMELY excited that I have already begun my collection!! I recently ordered these two things from Funky Vintage Lovely, and they came in the mail this past week.

Sweet light turquoise desert stand

Chalkboard frame/recipe card holder. Probably my new favorite thing in the entire world!

This necklace was also an impulse buy at the last minute, but I love it. I'm wearing it today for the first time and have already gotten several compliments on it from people at the office.

Go check out Funky Vintage Lovely by April Kennedy, AND April's blog! You will be instantly addicted (I was), plus she is SUPER sweet to work with. {And no, she didn't ask me to post this... I'm just really excited about my new stuff :) }

Katie's Birthday

2011-04-02T15:26:00.007-05:00

Today would have been my big sister Katie's 25th birthday. For those of you who don't already know, she was stillborn in 1986, about 10 months before me. I was their "Rainbow Baby". My mom went to the doctor for a regular check up at about 37 weeks or so and there was no heartbeat. We have one picture of her that is just a poloroid, and it has started to discolor a little bit. I scanned it for my mom recently and re-printed it so that it wouldn't age anymore, but it makes me sad that it's the only one they have. I was thinking about posting it here, but I don't want to do that without my mom's "ok".

My parents are going to her cemetary in Iowa today to take her some flowers and dragonfly garden picks to put in the ground. For years her stone has been sinking into the ground and looking kinda like crap, and the cemetary finally fixed it! I'm sure that seeing it look nice again will ease my mom's mind a little bit. That might seem like no big deal to a lot of people, but when the only thing you can do for your child is keep their grave site looking nice, it is a big deal.

It sounds strange, but knowing that my parents still think about Katie all the time after 25 years and after having two more girls is comforting to me. It really shows that having more kids does not in any way, shape, or form replace the one(s) that have been lost.

I'm thinking about my Mom and Dad today, and of course about Katie who I'm sure would have been the best big sister ever.

Old Chicago Binge and the Consequences.

2011-03-30T22:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, the best workouts are the ones that you almost skip.

Last week, I was offered my first "big girl" job. After graduation at the beginning of May, I will be working for the State as a social worker for Child & Family Services. It's honestly not the type of social work that I ever imagined myself doing, but this job is a HUGE blessing for us. The benefits are wonderful and the pay is good, and the fact that I was hired for the very first job I interviewed for, and I get to start immediately after graduation means that we can move into our own place faster... and that I can hopefully get a new car faster than expected. Also, this means that I can have anentire new wardrobe of business-y clothes. I see this as a blessing as well, but I don't know that my husband and our bank account will see it that way :)

Anyway, we celebrated the job offer last week by getting takeout. We have been eating SO well for the past several weeks that we figured we could afford to splurge a little bit. Well, as it turns out, we splurged A LOT. We got pizza and nachos from Old Chicago. I don't know if OC lists the calories of their menu items on their website, but I sure hope not because I don't wanna know!!

I don't know about you guys, but I always feel like complete crap the day after eating a bunch of crap. I feel lathargic and totally unmotivated. I had worked out all of the other days of the week so far, and decided to skip my Thursday night Zumba class.

The class starts at 6:00, and at 5:58 I looked at the clock and started to feel kind of guilty. Then I started thinking about the relaxed, awesome feeling I have after class each time, and I jumped off the couch, ran into the bedroom and changed into my gym clothes. Luckily, our gym is located just across the street from our neighborhood. I got there about 15 minutes after it started and had to be in the very. front. row. Actually, it was more like I was in my own row, because no one likes to be right in front of the mirror, and RIGHT next to the stage that the teacher is on.

I was slightly embarrased, but left feeling SO. GOOD. It would have been incredibly easy to stay on the couch all evening, but I'm so glad that I forced myself to get up and go.

The old betsy would have just made excuses and skipped the class.

Joy in the Shadows

2011-03-29T18:00:00.000-05:00

Francesca posted this beautiful image for her Bluebird Tuesday series over at Small Bird Studios. {If you haven't checked out Francesca's blog before, you definitely should. She is a Baby Loss Mama, and so beyond inspiring}. I wanted to share it here because if I had to pick a favorite Angie Smith quote from I Will Carry You, this would be it.

This quote epitomizes exactly how Kurt and I have been striving to live for the past 16 months - trying to find the joy in the shadows.

Project Life Tuesday!

2011-03-29T07:46:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday again! It really feels like the weeks are flying by this winter/spring. Only 38 days until graduation, and 40 days until I start my new job! 23 Days until we leave for our honeymoon :). It seems like we JUST took down our Christmas decorations!

It's supposed to be spring. But it snowed here. AGAIN.

It's baseball season!! Which is a big deal around our house. College games are on our TV non-stop on til the College World Series in June when we can actually go to the games. We have tickets to the ENTIRE series this year and I can't WAIT! I won't be able to go to the day games, but the evening games are rhe best ones anyway. Oh - and about Kurt's hair... He was cleaning our his side of the closet and found his wig from Halloween last year. I still don't know why he put it on to go outside and throw the ball with the dogs... but I think he looks like Kenny Powers from Eastbound & Down...

Ha!!

Okay, so I know I probably take WAY too many pictures of my dogs! But they are honestly the best subjects for practicing photography because they move around so much just like little kids. This is Buddy, Kurt's parents' 11 year old lab. Kurt was holding the ball about to throw it for him, and I just love the look of determination on his face. He is SERIOUS about that ball.

Showing off my super low squatting ability at the lake. I'm wearing a maternity sweatshirt.... that makes it appear as if I'm pregnant. Maybe it's time to retire that guy...

Kurt and I kidnapped my parents' dog! We stopped by their house to drop off something, but they were at a movie. So we brough Lucy back to our house and left them a note saying that we were holding her ransom. I felt bad that she was so excited to see us and then we were going to have to turn around and leave right away. It was so nice having her at our house, she is such a sweet little girl! I always new she was small, but now that we have BIG dogs, she seems especially tiny.

We don't have any spring decorations out yet, and with this snow, I felt like we really needed some. I picked up this Orchid at the grocery store. I love having fresh flowers in the house.

Best socks ever!! Saturday night, we hung out with my parents and sister at their house. I ran up to my parents' room to grab a book that my mom wanted me to look at, and saw them sitting on their entertainment center. My mom said they were supposed to be something funny for my Easter basket... but she let me have them early :) haha!

This is just a focusing/aperture assignment from the photography class I've been taking. That's Jack and Molly out there swimming in the lake.

Head on over to The Mom Creative by clicking on the image at the top of this post to link up and check out other Project Life Tuesday posts. I am always so inspired by how other bloggers are taking their pictures and setting up their albums!!

Getting To Know You Sunday

2011-03-28T03:30:00.000-05:00

It's "Getting To Know YOU Sunday" Over on Keely's blog, Mannland5. I've never participated in it before, but I figured... why not? I'm actually going to answer the last two weeks worth of questions because ... I feel like it :). It reminds me of the old surveys that people used to post on Myspace a few years ago! I used to fill those out constantly when Kurt was in Iraq and I would be sitting on the computer waiting for him to respond when we would message back and forth.

Last week's questions:

1. if you won the title of miss america, what would your platform be?

International child welfare. But wait... if it's Miss America... is your platform allowed to be international? I haven't watched the Miss America Pagent since I was probably in elementary school! Ha!

2. outdoorsy or indoorsy?
Oh Lord, anyone who knows me knows very well that I am an indoorsy girl. I like to be outside - taking walks, going to the beach, maybe a ONE night camping trip, but that's about it.

3. pajama's out in public..classy or tres tacky?
I've done it before... but I do think it's tacky. Unless your pajamas are black sweats and a USMC hoodie... because then no one can tell they're jammies :)

4. what's your favorite room in your house?
Living room I suppose. It's where we spend 99% of our time.
5. nook, kindle, or book?
I will be honest that I have been pretty skeptical about e-readers, but now I REALLY want one. Actually, I'd like an ipad with a Kindle app... but that won't be happening anytime soon. I love books and I don't think I'll ever be able to switch completely over from paper to digital, but I love the idea of having an entire library at your finger tips. I also see people using their kindle/nook/ipad on the elliptical at the gym and I am very jealous of that!

6. would you rather wear the same outfit for a week or not brush your teeth for a week?
Oh wow... I don't know if I can really choose one of these, haha! Both are gross. BUT... you could chew gum or find some other sneaky way to make your teeth feel like they're not disgusting. If your outfit is dirty then there's no hiding it!

7. what's your favorite blog at the moment?
There's absolutely no way I can answer this question! I follow way too many. The buttons of several of my favorite blogs are over in the sidebar. I think my favorite definitely depends on my mood, because there's lots of different categories.
8. lately i've been daydreaming about.........?
-honeymoon
-graduating/working
-moving!!

And this week's questions:
1. what inspires you?
My husband inspires me to follow my dreams (YIKES, how corny and cliche does that sound!?), and I am always inspired by my beautiful friends and the blogs that I follow, especially the crafting and photography related ones.

2. what was the last thing you bought yourself?
A soy candle from the grocery store that smells like "crisp cotton". I was cleaning yesterday and realized that all of the candles we had out were still fall/Christmas scents!

3. would you rather watch a movie in a theater or from the comfort of your own home?
Honestly, from home. We haven't been to the movies in months! I think it's partly because it's expensive.. but we like to talk about what's going on in the movies we're watching {or at least I do}. Too bad you can't pause the movies in the theater! If a movie comes out though that we're really looking forward to and don't want to wait for it to come out on Netflix or Redbox, we usually go.

4. household chore you don't mind doing?
I love making the bed because it's so much more relaxing to get into a perfectly made bed at the en of the day.

5. coffee or tea?
Coffee is always my first choice, but I do like tea a lot.

6. what could you eat every day and not get sick of??
Pasta with butter and parmesean cheese. OR chicken tacos from Chipotle. With guacamole. These are all things that we hardly ever EVER let ourselves have. And they both sound amazing right now, by the way.

7. what's the last book you read?
My Family: A Symphony,by Aaron Eske. A beautiful book about international adoption

8. do you think you look you "look" your age?
I think so? When I was younger everyone always told me that I looked older... but I haven't heard that in a long time, so I spose I probably finally caught up to myself!

You can click on the image above to head over to Keely's blog, get to know some other bloggers, and link up with your own answers :).

Novembers

2011-03-26T01:53:00.000-05:00

First of all... I just noticed that I've posted 150 times on this little blog.
That's a lot for me... because I honestly thought I was only starting this blog to fill friends and family in on Livie's NICU progress. I updated after her funeral and thought that would be the end of it. But this blogging thing kind of sucks you in... and I am so glad it did.

The other night, Kurt and I had just turned off the TV and were about to go to sleep when he said, "Do you realize that November has always been a really significant month for us?"
Sigh. "Yes, love. Do you remember how I told you that I re-named my blog?" {He doesn't really read it}.

I read in a wedding magazine today (fyi: don't sign up for a free subscription of Brides right before your wedding. It just started coming last month...) that husbands are great at hearing but their listening skills are awful. I agree.

However, he actually pointed out some other reasons that November is significant that I hadn't even thought about. First he said the two obvious ones - baby and wedding. But it's ALSO the month that we re-connected in 2007, and the month that I finally got to go visit him in San Diego and help him move home after his deployment. I think it's pretty sweet that he actually thought of that!

So that's 4 years of sweet Novembers. 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010. Looking back on all of that really makes me realize that those are the 4 most significant "events" of my life. Or at least, of my adult life.

And definitely makes me wonder what November of 2011 is going to bring...

a little fitness update

2011-03-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

I've lost about 10 pounds!! Or so.

I really suck at weighing myself... but I also think that weighing daily, or even every couple of days, is pretty discouraging. The scale just doesn't change that much from day to day, and it can make you feel pretty bad (I know this from experience). So I try to weigh myself weekly, or sometimes every other week. I can honestly say that I pretty much stopped weighing myself after our wedding, and the number I saw on the scale towards the end of January was atrocious. I weighed yesterday and I've lost about 10 pounds since that point. I've only been taking this weight loss thing seriously for about 6 or 7 weeks now, so I think that's pretty good! I'm not trying to lose weight quickly. I did the HCG diet during the summer and lost about 15 pounds... a pound a day. That was AWESOME, but as soon as you go back to your regular eating habits, the weight comes right back on. Right now, we're trying to get used to having better habits that are realistic and easy to maintain.
Zumba has been amazing. I've still been trying to make it to all 5 classes each week. It is such an amazing cardio work out. Our gym does it a little bit differently than others that I've heard of. Our instructors are trained by Zumba, but also take the group fitness training that's specific to our gym, so they incorporate a lot more hip hop and toning than the "traditional" classes do. My favorite part of class each day is at the end when we do an entire song of squats. Every morning my thighs are sore, but I know that's a REALLY good thing. Last night I downloaded the two songs that we have been using for that so that I can do it at home on my own. I think that synchronizing moves to music is so much more motivating than just being silent and counting in your head. It feels really encouraging to finally have found a workout that actually works for me.

On the other hand though, Zumba is really great for cardio and basic toning, but I know I need to step it up a little bit... my arms and abs need attention that Zumba doesn't really provide.

So last Wednesday, I went to a Core class. It's taught by an instructor who does the Monday night Zumba class, and believe me when I say she is INTENSE. She's seriously crazy - I sweat more on Mondays than I do during any of the other classes and I'm usually about ready to curl up into a little ball on the floor by the end of class. And let me tell ya.... her Core class was no different. I'm sure I was the most pathetic person in the class. Most of the class is done by using one of those huge plastic balls, and it incorporates a LOT of balance - which I suck at. We also did a freaking TON of push-ups. It was only 45 minutes, but I went to a Zumba class right afterwards, and could barely lift my arms above my head when I needed to. I was SO sore on Thursday morning. As soon as I woke up, even before I moved I could tell that my arms and abs were sore. I had planned on going to another core class that was being offered that day, and just couldn't force myself to go. It REALLY made me realize that my abs haven't gotten any real attention since before my c-section!

Project Life Tuesday!

2011-03-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

My pictures for this week are out of order. But whatever! I'm proud of myself for just deciding which ones to use before Tuesday is over :).

On St. Patrick's day, Holt held a reception for families who recently traveled to bring their children home from China. I made these cookie pops, and they were a BIG hit with the kids.

Saturday night was Holt's annual silent auction and gala dinner. We had a GREAT time... it was fun to have something to get super dressed up for! Kurt got a new suit for free from Men's Warehouse because of all the tuxes the guys rented for our wedding, so he was pretty excited about getting to wear it.

Friday (See, I told you these are WAY out of order... I'm too tired to organize them right now!), we had a quarterly meeting with all of the social workers for Holt, and we spent the afternoon at a pottery studio downtown "bonding". It was so much fun. I have loved my practicum so much, and everyone there has really made me feel like part of the team. This picture shows how messy I got, and the amazing bowl I created. I'm sure it would sell for thousands on Etsy.

We also took the dogs to swim at a lake near our old apartment. Because our neighborhood lake has been drained, Kurt was on a mission to find a new place for them to get their exercise - because they need it BAD. They have just been going crazy because of all of their puppy energy and being couped up all winter. They crashed hard when we got home... and the second picture was supposed to be of them all snuggling together which hardly ever happens. Buddy clearly saw me coming with my camera and tried to run out of the way!

I was pretty proud of myself for filling the grocery cart ALL with fresh fruits and veggies, so I snapped a picture with my AWFUL phone camera.

Blessings

2011-03-16T12:32:00.000-05:00

I'm about to get really religious-y. I know that some of you don't share my beliefs so I'm telling you now. This is my blog where I write about my personal thoughts and beliefs, and if you don't like it... lo siento.

Throughout this journey of loss, I have always believed that God has a plan. I believe that He is good, and that He never gives us more than we can handle, but I also believe that He places obstacles in our path to teach us lessons - to show us that we are stronger than we think we are. This is something that I believed long before Olivia died, and losing her reaffirmed it for me. I know that this isn't what everyone believes... I have even gotten in arguments with family members about this issue. They argued that God would never take a child from his/her parents, and that this must have been the work of the devil. I do not think that the devil took my baby. To me, that's ridiculous and that is what makes that argument seem completely ridiculous to me. I've been told all my life that no one knows what God's plan is or why He does the things He does. We are just to believe that all things in life happen to glorify Him in one way or another, and we will find out the answers to all of our unanswered questions eventually, when it's our turn to leave this place.

On my way home the other day from a frantic search at three different stores for a freaking shamrock cookie cutter (only to get home and find out that we already have 3 of them in different sizes), this song came on the radio. By the end of it I was crying - it was exactly what I needed.

Blessings, by Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

As long as we have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

stupid bedspread and butter yellow

2011-03-14T17:59:00.000-05:00

If I have learned one lesson from the first 4 months of marriage {It's 4 months today!}, it is to NOT spend money on expensive bedding.

I am so annoyed right now! When we first moved into our apartment last year, we had a comforter set that I think I got on clearance from JCPenny, so it was pretty darn cheap. I mean like $30 cheap. The fabric covering the cotton batting stuff on the inside of the comforter was so thin that it ripped on the under side on the bottom of the comforter where our feet touched it every night. SUPER crappy, but I only spent $30 on it so I wasn't surprised that it was a POS. So naturally, this led me to the conclusion that in order to have a comforter that would last, I would need to spend a boat load of cash on it.
When it came time to register for wedding gifts, I decided that the only way for us to "upgrade" would be to register for a new set. We got a BEAUTIFUL bedding set at my bridal shower from Kurt's mom...

{Super bizarre picture of me, I think I look like I'm drunk, but whatev}

I have so many problems with this set. First of all, see those buttons? NONE of them are currently on the comforter. Actually, I think there might be one lonely little guy still hangin' out. When we FIRST put it on the bed, we realized that the puppies would probably chew on those. Also, we realized that since the entire thing is basically embroidered, their little claws and rough pads on the bottoms of their feet would shred it up. So I went to Target and bought a green quilt that matches. Every single time the dogs are going to sleep with us, we pull the quilt up so that it covers the area they are going to lay on. And still, the buttons all fell off. Then, there are the pills OHHhhh so many pills. I wish you could see it. I tried to take a picture but it just didn't do it justice. It looks awful. This would be acceptable if we had been using this comforter for 10 years, or even 5 years. But 4 months? and with a quilt pulled up over it most of the time? That's just ridiculous. Especially because it cost upwards of $240. I remember registering for it and telling Kurt that getting it as a gift was the only way we would be able to have such a nice set... and since it was so nice it would last for years and years! We won't have to spend money on a comforter for YEARS!

I couldn't have been more wrong. When we move, that piece of crap is going straight into the dumpster. Okay I probably will donate it, but I am so mad at it that I want to throw it away. Or maybe we'll keep it as a spare. I don't know - what I do know is that it will never grace the top of our bed ever again.

So I've been researching some options for when it's time to replace it. We'll hopefully be moving in August? July? September? Somewhere at the end of the summer or the beginning of the fall. I might be looking a little bit too early... my greatest fear is that the things I want won't be available anymore by the time we are ready to move. I want to wait until we move because our current bedroom walls are painted green (to match the stupid comforter) and I am currently obsessed with.... YELLOW AND GREY! I struggle with finding colors and prints that are feminine enough but also have just enough masculine to make Kurt feel like it's OUR room and not just mine. How my mom has gotten my dad to go along with all of the Rose/Floral bedspreads she's bought over the years is beyond me. Another reason for the yellow - Right now, our room is in the basement. And we have no windows. We have an overhead light and accent lamps, and keep both doors (we have two) open during the day, but it is so dark in there! Perfect for days when we want to sleep in, but awful for the days when morning comes to early and it still looks like it's midnight in our room. I didn't realize how much that would drive me nuts while I was choosing the colors for our room, and I feel like the green shades we chose make it seem even more dim. In our next home, I am going to be all about bright, sunny colors. I don't think Kurt will go for that completely, so the gray will tone it down a bit. That's my compromise.

I have been saving pieces of inspiration for weeks now. It's become my newest obsession. I always start way too early. Actually, it's not really a new obsession. Growing up, I wanted to be an interior designer, and even sent away for information about the interior design programs RMCAD and the Art Institute in San Diego but obviously, didn't go. So, since I don't have clients to design for, I'll just design for myself and annoy the readers of my blog with it? Sounds good to me. Except for the part about not getting paid for it...

I put this inspiration board together myself using digital papers from Molly Mac & Me

Dwell Studio for Target

DSLR Camera Strap from Etsy Seller MelVDesigns...

I know that this doesn't have anything to do with a bedroom... but THIS is EXACTLY the color combination I want. PERFECT gray, PERFECT yellow. Maybe I can talk her into making a me a bedspread? for the same price as a camera strap? no? dang it.

I am realizing that I can't find exactly what I want. That tends to happen often. I am kind of thinking that the best way to go might be to purchase a plain jane grey comforter, a butter yellow throw, and add pillows like THESE.

These are both from Etsy seller Bedbuggs

This one is from Jilly Bean Things

Project life.... Thursday?

2011-03-10T23:26:00.000-06:00

MY COMPUTER IS BACK.
Actually, it's been back for a couple of weeks, but it's taken me a while to get caught up on the last 6 weeks or so of Project Life.

Nothing too exciting! The only thing extra that I added was a 8/5x11 page protector to put our Valentine's Day cards in. It's way too big for them, so I'm planning on stitching around them ASAP.{More about that in a later post}. I have plans to get a lot more creative with my layouts, but because I was so far behind because I couldn't upload or edit OR print photos, I decided to just print the pictures and write on the journaling cards and be done with it. I'm glad to have everything back the way it needs to be now so that I can start making this album the way I actually want it to look.

Starbucks & Kate

2011-03-10T17:55:00.001-06:00

This morning, I had a coffee date with my old friend Katie {Katie has a super cute Etsy shop which you should totally check out. And a cute blog, check that out too}. She is a newlywed also, and lives in Iowa with her husband. This week, she's in town to visit her mama who just happens to live up the street from us. She picked me up in her little red bug and we spent two hours at Starbucks. It was so nice to catch up. We've been friends since the early days of high school, but have lived in different states ever since.

Katies Dad passed away very recently, and at one point I asked her how her mom was doing with that. We talked about it for a few minutes, and then she said, "how are you doing?" Without thinking twice, I responded by saying something about how I'd been good, just feeling so ready to graduate and start working.

Tonight as I was folding laundry and listening to the new Adele album, I was thinking about our conversation and it occured to me that she was asking me about how I was doing with losing Olivia. That should have been obvious to me because of the context of the conversation... but for whatever reason, it wasn't. {Kate, if you're reading this and that's not even what you meant at all... let me know :) }

This is the first time - or at least the first time that I've noticed - that my first instinct wasn't to answer the question with something grief/loss related. Once I realized this, It was a very, VERY good feeling. I think it's definitely another milestone that tells me I'm healing. I have used this comparison before, but I used to say that even if good things were going on, I still felt like no matter what, I was being followed around everywhere by a big gray cloud that seemed to be saying to me, "You can try to be as happy as you want, but you won't ever actually be happy because your daughter is dead". I'm sure my fellow baby loss mamas can identify with that. Don't get me wrong - I am still sad, a lot, and I think about Olivia or something related to her in some capacity every day, and I probably always will. Sometimes every hour of the day. But I'm definitely healing, and that's a good thing.

On another note, one of the starbucks employees brought in cupcakes for everyone to try while we were there. Supposedly, she made them by using a white cake mix and adding in Starbucks VIA Mocha mix. They were okay... they looked much cuter then they tasted. I found a recipe for VIA cupcakes here... and I might just be trying it out this weekend. I'll let you know if it's a giant fail or not...

healthy eating

2011-03-07T01:59:00.000-06:00

For me, the most difficult thing about weight loss is staying on track with eating well.

I love to eat out. I have always been of the school of thought that "if we're going to eat out, I'm going to get something DELICIOUS and AMAZING". For me, that usually means pasta with some kind of cream sauce... the calories of which add up to be more than an average person's daily required amount. Pasta is my favorite thing in the entire world - if you know me personally, you're probably laughing because you know that I could eat noodles with a little butter and a ton of parmesean cheese for every single meal. I pretty much did this during my freshman year of college when I lived away from my parents for the first time ever. I was so active though that I never really noticed a change in my waistline. Now, it's a different story. :)

I also love to cook! I have an addiction to cook books and trying new recipes. Until recently, the types of recipes I would make were not very nutritious. Delicious, but not nutritious.

I have scoured the internet for blogs and websites that promote healthy eating. I wanted to share a couple of my absolute favorites that have been helping me stay on track over the past month. Not that I've stayed completely on track... but you know what I mean.

Cheap, Healthy, Good. "Cheap Healthy Good is a blog dedicated to the advancement of frugal, nutritious, ethically-minded food in everyday life." This blog is Ah-MAZING. Seriously amazing. I have made a handful of their recipes over the past month and can't wait to try more. I have been bookmarking healthy eating websites and blogs for the better part of a year, and have found some great ones but very rarely find exactly what I'm looking for. This one has everything I look for. Their recipes are EASY - easy enough for fast week night dinners, and they don't require fancy ingredients that are only carried at Whole Foods (which i love, but can't afford to shop at all the time). They also post great articles about healthy eating, like things to keep in mind while dining out, and they explain the reasoning behind the recipes they post. This one is one of my favorites ... 10 Cheap Shortcuts to Making Cooking Oh-So-Much Easier.

Hungry Girl. This has been one of my favorites for a couple of years. Read this section of the "Who is HG" area of the website... "Lisa is a typical woman battling the same food issues most females struggle with every day. Lisa considers herself a “foodologist,” not because she has some kind of fancy degree, but because she is obsessed with food –– how wonderful it is, and how much of it she can eat and still fit into her pants." Story of my life! Except I haven't been nearly as successful as she has at finding things that I can eat a lot of and still fit into my pants. I fell off the HG band wagon for a while. And when I say a while, I mean 373 days. How do I know this? Because HG sends free daily e-mails with new recipes. I have a special Hugnry Girl folder in my Yahoo Mail, and there are 373 unread e-mails in it. I thought about it, and realized that number is a pretty accurate indicator of how long I haven't been giving a crap about fitness and healhy eating.

Anyway, one of my favorite things about Hungry girl is that they don't even really give you new recipes. Most of their recipes are "swaps", which means they teach you how to make something that you LOVE into something that you still love... it's just healthy this time. Like potato salad made with cauliflower, called "I Can't Believe It's Not Potato Salad" (You seriously can NOT tell!), Rockin' Restaurant Spinach Dip (one of my favorite things on the planet and only 72 calories per serving!!), and Cheeseburger Quesadillas.

There are several Hungry Girl cook books AND... (you have no idea how excited I am about this), a new Hungry Girl TV show on The Cooking Channel. I just found that out less than 2 minutes ago when I went to the website. I am SUPER pumped about this people.

Please share with me... Do you have a favorite resource for healthy recipes? I am always looking for new inspiration! How do you stay motivated?

Love Never Fails

2011-03-05T00:38:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to share something sweet with you guys tonight.

At our wedding, my Aunt Lisa played the guitar and sang Brandon Heath's "Love Never Fails". I think it was while we were lighting the Unity Candle. She did such a beautiful job. Out of all of the songs we chose for our special day, this one was my favorite. I loved it from the moment I first heard it, and knew all along that I wanted this to be played during the ceremony. My Aunt Lisa is the most amazing singer in the world and she also plays a mean accoustic guitar... so when I ran across the guitar tabs online while looking for the lyrics to the song, I knew it was going to be perfect. I hardly even remember listening to her play it during the wedding because I was so overwhelmed with everything going on, especially not lighting the church on fire with the unity candle tapers.. but when we watched the video a few weeks later I cried the whole time.

Tonight, Brandon {we're obviously on a first name basis} was playing a show at a local church here in town. I think that one of the best things about Christian artists is that even when they become super popular, they play smaller shows and don't charge an arm and a leg for tickets! My sister-in-law went to the concert with a friend and got to meet him! She brought this home for us:

It says, "Kurt and Betsy, Love never fails". How cool! I think it was sweet of Jordynn to mention us to him when she met him, and also super sweet of him to take the time to care. I am so excited to add this to our wedding scrapbook as soon as I show it to Kurt when he gets home tonight {we went bowling and then he dropped me off to go have a MUCH needed guys night out, which he hasn't had in months and months... we even had joint bachelor/bachelorette parties!}. How many people can say that they have something like this in their wedding album? :)

If you've never heard the song, here it is!

ps: PLEASE don't make the mistake of searching for the song on YouTube and clicking on the one that says "Kathy Lee Gifford - Love Never Fails". I panicked for a second and thought maybe she sang it first. I did a little research and confirmed my belief that Brandon Heath wrote it... but still felt like I needed to watch the KLG video. YUUUUCK. oh my god. bad.bad.bad. Seriously the worst song and video ever.

soooore legs! UGH!

2011-03-04T13:46:00.001-06:00

I am feeling a little bit discouraged, for a few reasons.

First, I ate three cookies for breakfast. Why? Oh, good question.
I have no idea. I made a batch last night to take to my practicum today, but ended up not having to go. So I'll be taking them tomorrow. So while I was waiting for my coffee this morning, I ate a few. I started feeling guilty while I was chewing the first bite of the first cookie... but I didn't stop myself.

Why do I have no will power! Ugh, I frustrate myself so much. We are also going out to dinner and bowling with some friends tonight. Usually, we do things like this once a week, and allow it to be our "cheat day" where were eat whatever and don't go to the gym. But I'm feeling icky about eating like crap, so I'm not skipping the gym. In fact, Kurt's already there, and I'm sitting at my coffee table watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High while I wait for my ipod to charge.

Have you ever forgotten to check your iPod, and gotten to the gym only to find that it's dead? That's torture. Working out with nothing to listen to is seriously awful.

In this post from the other day where I wrote about running on the treadmill for 7 minutes, I forgot to mention that it was "legs day" for Kurt... and he talked me into doing it with him. Oh. My. God. That was on saturday... and on Monday I was still so sore that I could barely walk. I mean, I didn't do exactly the same thing as him, I reduced the weight by a LOT, but still. awful. My practicum supervisor even showed me how to massage my leg muscles by sitting on a tennis ball and rolling back and forth. It was horrible. On one hand, I felt good about it because it meant that whatever I did must be something that works, and Kurt said that everyone always feels that bad after they do legs for the first time. But on the other hand, I didn't work out on Sunday, and I skipped Zumba when it resumed on Monday. On Tuesday, I felt like I was totally half-assing it in Zumba because My legs still hurt, so anything that required jumping or high-knee moves, I barely did. After a month straight of not skipping a class or a scheduled work out unless I had a meeting or something during it, I missed three days! It felt like crap - I could definitely tell the difference. I know that it wasn't like I was skipping because I was laying around on the couch eating cake or something, but it still made me feel like crap.

I'm having a hard time feeling like i'm back in the swing of things. I need to remind myself that I am not, nor will I ever be a former Marine, and I probably shouldn't try to work out like one. Yikes!

2011 Academy Awards

2011-03-01T00:38:00.002-06:00

Oscar night is one of my favorite nights of the year. It was always a big deal in my house when we were growing up. My sister and I would watch it with our mom and grandma every year. Even when I was too young to see any of the movies, I loved watching the red carpet to see the gorgeous dresses.

I thought the show this year was amazing. I actually have only seen one movie (Toy Story 3, ha!) that was nominated for anything, but Anne Hathaway is one of my *very* favorite actresses. I think she is so beautiful and her style is so timeless. I knew it was going to be a great show. I really think she did a fabulous job. I love James Franco also, but I don't think hosting is his forte. They went with a very "Old Hollywood" theme for this year, which I love. I am a sucker for anything vintage.

Anne wore EIGHT dresses last night. Or I guess, 7 dresses and 1 tuxedo with the most amazing shoes E-V-E-R. Also, her hair was different for every outfit that she came out in. I will never understand how they change and redo their hair and makeup that fast. And manage to look amazing every single time!

My favorite dress is the one she wore on the red carpet.

Out of everyone, I think my absolute TOP favorite was Hailee Steinfeld, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for True Grit. She is only 14 and she looked so adorable. Her dress was classic and sweet and just so perfect for her age, unlike so many of the other "famous" teenagers right now. I can't even count how many times I've seen Miley on a red carpet and wanted to throw up!

And, um... did anyone see Jennifer Hudson? Are you kidding me!? She looks so amazing. I seriously can't believe that she looks this good. After having a baby. I love knowing that she worked EXTREMELY hard to get to this point. I actually don't care for this dress at all... but she looks damn good in it!

One of my other favorites was Natalie Portman. I know a lot of grieving ladies read my blog, so I'm not going to shove a picture of her pregnant self in everyone's face. I just thought it was nice that she looked so classy - a lot of pregnant celebrities get a little bit too carried away with dresses that are WAY too tight. In the words of Joan Rivers, "I'm not interested in seeing whether a pregnant woman has an innie or an outtie".

I spent the evening at my parents house. As I mentioned above, the ladies of the family watch the awards together every year. My mom is adorable and actually decorated for our little party this year!

V.I.P Entrance

Stars, plastic Oscars and candles on the mantel

And more little awards on the coffee table!

Even little Lucy was all decked out for the red carpet! She looked hysterical in her little dress. She greeted me at the door when I walked in, and I was so glad I brought my camera. My family makes me laugh.

This was my attempt at getting a picture of all of us... ha! My grandma somehow didn't even make it into the picture, but my sister looks cute!

Have a happy week!!

Balloons from Livie

2011-02-28T11:00:00.005-06:00

Do you all believe in signs?

I definitely do.

Yesterday, Ashley wrote about a big sign that she received. Ashley and her husband lost their little Nolan in 2009, and Ashley's brother, who she was very close with, also passed away a few months ago. She feels that she sign she recently received was from her brother, letting her know that "he's okay, Nolan's happy and heaven is beautiful". She wrote that she has always prayed for a sign like that.

After reading her post, I thought about how I've maybe received some little signs, but nothing that's really been noteworthy. I definitely associate dragonflies with Olivia. Seeing them makes my heart happy, but they are so common here in the summer that it's not like it's strange to see them all over the place.

I was kind of struggling this morning. For some reason there are just random days where my heart just hurts more than others. Now that it's been over a year, I wake up feeling good and go to bed feeling good. I used to have days where I woke up feeling depressed and went to bed feeling depressed, but those are far and few between now. Occasionally, someone will say something upsetting or I'll read a blog post that makes me cry and puts me in a sad mood. I don't think anything really happened within the last couple of days, but for some reason this morning I was feeling down. Maybe it's because of the BS dreary weather we've been having for the past couple of days (winter is LONG in Nebraska!). Who knows.

On the treadmill this morning, I thought back to Ashley's blog post and wondered what it felt like to *know* that she was receiving a sign from Nolan, as opposed to just *wondering* if something was a sign from him. Usually, I see something that reminds me of Olivia, but that's not the same thing as a sign. I've never received a sign that I just knew instantly was from Olivia.

Until today!!!

I left the house to quickly go tanning, because it usually makes me feel better when I'm feeling crappy and the weather is gross. I pulled into the parking lot, stepped out of the car, and looked over toward the building to see if it looked busy in there - because I was in no mood to sit around and wait for my turn.

Floating right above the building was a HUGEEEE bunch of pink balloons. I mean huge. I have no idea where they came from... logically, I would assume that some mom was probably picking them up from the nearby grocery store for her daughter's birthday and they got loose. But the second I saw them, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and... almost joy? I can't really describe the feeling. It was so strange, but in a good way. I'm not naive, I know that she doesn't have super powers and can't send me balloons, but I really do believe she played some kind of part in my decision to go tanning at that exact moment.

As a sidenote, I was just e-mailing this morning with Danielle about our cameras and what kinds of lenses we use. I told her that I have a zoom lens that I never use and that I think was a huge waste of money. I usually carry my Kelly Moore bag everywhere. It has dividers inside for my camera and lenses, but because I don't have a whole lot of equipment, I can use the other half of the bag as a purse. That way I've got my camera stuff with me at all times. But did I have it with me today? OF COURSE NOT! My first instinct when I saw those balloons was to grab my camera and see if I could get a cook picture. but I didn't, I only had my stone age phone. I tried to take a picture but by the time I got it up and running and took the picture, the balloons looked like a tiny gray dot. annoying. If only I had my zoom lens that I was just complaining about today, I would have been able to take a beautiful picture of the balloons. Damnit! I had to find that picture above on Google Images. :(

So, moral of the story, signs DO exist and come at exactly the right time.... and always keep your camera with you, because you never know when you'll need it!

Thank you, Olivia for giving me such a beautiful sign today, and for also providing me with a little bit of photography inspiration :).

Seven minutes!

2011-02-27T16:41:00.001-06:00

Happy Sunday everybody!

Sundays are my favorite day of the week, now that I no longer have to work all day. Usually, we wake up early and go to chuch, and then I go to Zumba class while Kurt runs, and then we come home and make lunch together.

Today was a little bit different. We slept in and missed church accidentally (although it felt SO good to sleep in a little bit). Zumba was cancelled because the gym was holding a training all day for instructors... so I decided to hop on the treadmill next to Kurt. I completely surprised myself. Brace yourselves... I ran for 7 minutes straight. I know, I know... for any of you who are avid runners, that is definitely laughable. But I have never, EVER been a runner, and I never thought I would be. Every time I try to run on a treadmill I make it for about 2 minutes, feel like I'm going to die or my lungs are going to collapse, and I stop. Usually, I just walk on a high incline at 4mph. For whatever reason, I decided to try today. I think the Zumba classes are really starting to pay off! This week will be my 4th week of doing it 5 times a week. That's a lot more cardio than I've ever done consistently, so I guess it's increased my stamina and is allowing me to run longer distances. Seven minutes isn't a lot, but I left the gym with a renewed confidence and I'm excited to keep going and gradually increasing the time.

Tonight, I'm going over to my parents' house to watch The Oscars with my mom, sister, and grandma. I have only seen a couple of the movies that are nominated this year, so I'm really going just to see all the pretty dresses. That's always been my favorite part of awards season!

I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend!

My not so little anymore puppy

2011-02-26T13:39:00.002-06:00

Have you guys gotten sick of my dogs yet?

I don't even care if you have.

Because they are just WAY too cute.

How can you resist that face!

He was so happy to be in the car, I thought he was going to pass out from excitement.

Another quick note...

2011-02-22T21:19:00.001-06:00

Please stop by Kellie's blog tonight to show her some love.
She and her husband lost their little girl, Maddie last week.
She was 4 months old.

If you read what I posted earlier today, you know that the blog community was so helpful to me during my time of need - and still is. I know that when I first started out here, I didn't even know how to begin finding people to identify with. I noticed that Kellie has received TONS of comments on her posts from the last couple of days, but I think it would be great if as many people as possible from this "loss community" could show her some support.

We all know that she is going to need it.

My heart hurts for her - I can't even imagine what it would be like to have brought Olivia home and then lost her.

It is obvious, just from reading the last couple of weeks worth of posts by Kellie, that she was the most wonderful mama to Maddie. She was a very, very lucky little girl.

Another V-day post, 8 days late!

2011-02-22T17:44:00.001-06:00

I forgot to post this on Valentine's Day. I meant to publish it late that night, but I spaced it off. Which I tend to do often.

Remember how I wrote about our Valentine's Day plans, and how Kurt and I had decided not to get each other anything. Even the day before, he asked me about it "just to make sure".

I came home from my practicum that afternoon to find this on the coffee table:

I have a pretty smart husband.

{The froggy figurine symbolizes Olivia... we called her "Froggy" while I was pregnant, because Kurt had such big eyes that he looked like a frog when he was born, and I told him that I hoped our future kids would have eyes like he did}

My favorite part, is what he drew on the inside of the card...

He wrote, "I love you too, mommy" and drew a little angel. He also signed the card from himself and Livie.

I absolutely love when he includes her in ways that I hadn't thought of. Usually, it just happens that he does those kinds of things when I am in need of a reminder that she's with us, or a reminder that he thinks about her just as much as I do.

Hope

2011-02-22T12:55:00.002-06:00

Every month on the 19th {I'm late, as usual!}, Francesca from Small Bird Studios hosts the Small Miracles Blog Hop. Click the image above to hop on over to Francesca's blog and read her post. The entries from other ladies are listed below my post here, and also on Francesca's blog. You can submit your story either here or there.

"Francesca asks, what big or small miracles have brought you hope lately?"

There have been so many things that have brought me hope throughout this journey. I sat here for a few minutes trying to figure out which one has brought me the most hope. I can't do that. What I want to do, is take this opportunity to thank all of the ladies that I've "met" over the past 15 months. The women I have come into contact with since we lost Olivia have transformed me into a new person. The online baby loss community is so fantastic, and I don't know where I'd be if I'd never stumbled across it. This always makes me think about my mom, who lost my older sister almost 25 years ago. In 1986, there was no internet, and no real support for this kind of thing. She had a few books, but that's about it. Even her co-workers were fairly unsupportive. People didn't talk about this kind of thing, even though I'm sure it was just as common then as it in now. There was such a lack of understanding for what she was going through, and my heart hurts for her when I think about it. I know that I am extremely fortunate.

I have been inspired to have more compassion for people.

to be grateful for the life that I've been given.

I have developed a more passionate love for the Lord,

and how to use the love that I receive from Him to affect the lives of others.

I have been inspired to learn photography,

to eat well, to exercise,

and to laugh through the grief.

I have learned how to live with joy again. Something that 15 months ago, I didn't know was possible.

Maybe I would have done some of these things on my own. But the encouragement and inspiration that I have received from the blog community has been so amazing. Even overwhelming at times. It is so wonderful to log into blogger and read posts from women who lost their babies too and are struggling with similar feelings. It is empowering to watch everyone progress through the stages of grief and slowly become an even BETTER version of their former selves.

If you follow my blog and are a baby loss mama, then I follow yours too, and its you that I am talking about.

Thank you for all of the hope you've provided me with over the past 15 months. It means more to me than I can put into words.

And as for miracles... Two of my best blog friends gave birth to their Rainbow Babies within the last couple of months. Meredith had Lauren in December, and Maggie had Lucas yesterday. If those aren't reasons for hope, then I don't know what is :).

Farewell Wedding Shoes....

2011-02-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

Farewell wedding shoes....

As I was coming up the stairs this morning, my mother in law said, "You'd better check out your shoes by the back door"...

My doggies chewed up my wedding shoes! They have never really been "shoe chewers". We always leave our shoes laying around!

I chose them because they were gold and matched the sash on my dress, but also because the center stone is a (fake) citrine... Olivia's birthstone and the birthstone for November, our wedding month.

I've been wearing them pretty much constantly since November. So oh well. I've gotten a lot more use out of them than I ever thought I would!

But they were so pretty! I can't bring myself to throw them away!

cheater cheater cheeseburger eater!

2011-02-20T20:45:00.001-06:00

Eating out is SO totally not worth it.

Or at least, going out to eat NOT very healthy things.

Last night, Kurt and I went out to dinner with a bunch of friends at Cheeseburger in Paradise. We looked up their menu before we left, and because we've been trying so hard to eat well, we decided that their salads looked good and we would stick to that. But after sitting there and listening to everyone talk about what they were ordering, and it smelled SO GOOD in there... we both ordered burgers. I had a gouda and mushroom burger (it was amazing), and Kurt had a guacamole burger or something. We reasoned with ourselves by saying that we hadn't "cheated" in a while so it would be fine to eat something greasy. Plus all of the fries on our plates. Plus some fried pickles.

Ugh. totally, absolutely not worth it! This morning I got up and went to Zumba, and halfway through the class I thought I was going to die. I remember Kurt telling me once that whenever he went running the day after he ate badly, his legs felt heavy and it was so hard to finish the run. I've never experienced that feeling before because I've honestly never done any real intense cardio. Today was my first experience with that, and it was not very fun. I always feel challenged in the class, but at one point, i was seriously contemplating whether or not I should leave after the song ended. I pushed through and finished the class, but wow, I definitely learned my lesson. I made baked chicken and the roasted vegetables for dinner tonight so that today's experience won't be repeated at tomorrow night's class.

Staying on the right track is so much harder than I thought it would be! Hopefully, I'll be able to use the way I felt today as a motivator for the next time I feel like it might be okay to eat something greasy and cheesy. and delicous. Dang it!

Roasted Veggies

2011-02-17T17:28:00.001-06:00

These are the best vegetables I have EVER eaten. My practicum supervisor is doing a healthy eating challenge at her gym, and she has been passing recipes along to me. She told me that these were good, but I thought "okay, they're vegetables... how awesome can they be?" -- But seriously, they are AWESOME. I have to admit that I've never done a whole lot with fresh vegetables... we usually do the "steam in the bag" kind. Which is fine, but I'm really trying to lean more toward fresh and organic food as much possible. I could eat these by themselves for an entire meal, they are THAT good. And super easy to make.

Ingredients:

1 Zucchini

1 Yellow Squash

1 Bunch of Broccoli

1 Sweet Potato

1 Red Pepper

1 Tbsp Dried Oregano

1 Tbsp Dried Basil

1 Tbsp Olive Oil

Salt & Pepper to taste

{You can also substitute in yellow or green peppers, more squash, red onion, or cauliflower}

Directions:

Chop each vegetable into two inch chunks. The only thing I peeled was the sweet potato. In a large bowl, place all of the veggie chunks, and toss with 2 (ish) tablespoons of Olive Oil. Add the Oregano and basil, and add salt & pepper to taste and toss again. Place the veggie mixture into a 9x13 pan and bake at 375 for about 20 minutes. Increase the heat to 425 for another ten minutes or so, or until the sweet potato is easy to fork.

We had these the other night with steak. SO. Good.

Zumba!

2011-02-17T09:57:00.002-06:00

More JOY

Less GUILT

That is my new mantra.

I was reading my newest Women's Health while on the treadmill the other day, and actually read the letter from the editor in the beginning of the magazine - which I usually just flip past. In the letter, the editor was encouraging the readers to fill their lives with activities that give them joy, and stop letting ourselves feel so insanely guilty for every little mistake or slip up.

After reading that, I realized that this is what my biggest problem has been. After a few days of eating well, we would go out to eat or I'd forget my lunch at home and go through the Runza drive-thru... and an intense wave of guilt would pass over me. I would feel so guilty that I would just jump off of the fitness band wagon and continue to eat like crap. I always had the mentality that if I had already "messed up" that day, eating well for the rest of the day would be pointless, so why not just continue to eat like crap. And not go to the gym.

This cycle would repeat itself for days or sometimes weeks, which would turn into months. Recently, I was flipping through a weight watchers magazine and read a "success story" about a woman who lost a ton of weight when she realized how big she had gotten in the fall of 2009. That really put into perspective for me how much time I've wasted. November of 2009 was when I had Olivia, and while I know it is unrealistic to think that I could have started losing weight immediately after she was born, I definitely could have gotten moving by January. No one wants to be bigger than they were right after having a baby... for most women, that's when they're at their heaviest... and that's where I've ended up.

Just more affirmation that it's time to get the ball rolling. I've never felt more "ready" to get in shape than I do right now. I've always heard that you won't be successful at anything until you're fully ready to be... so maybe I just had to wait for that time to come.

I'm actually pretty proud of myself... I've been to the gym more in the past couple of weeks than I have in a LONG time. One of the things that's really been surprising me is that lately, it's been me asking Kurt when he's going to be ready to leave for the gym, and not the other way around. Before, I felt like he was dragging me there with him when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch.

What's been making me feel so motivated? ZUMBA! Seriously - you have to try it. It is so amazing. We are lucky enough to belong to a HUGE gym, which is awesome for me because we have Zumba 5 times a week. I have been trying to go every time it's offered. The only day I've skipped so far was Valentine's day, because class is always right at dinner time on weeknights. I really despise doing traditional cardio workouts like running - I get so bored and the time always goes by soooo slowly, which tricked me into thinking it was hard, or that I couldn't do it. Zumba has taught me that's not the case at all. It's very intense (for me anyway) and by the end of the class I'm sweating SOO much more than I ever would after an hour on the treadmill.It's fun, and the hour flies by so fast that before I know it we're cooling down already.

I have already begun to notice a change in my attitude and my general mood throughout each day. It's really nice to actually look forward to going to the gym instead of thinking up ways to get around it.

letter writing

2011-02-14T12:56:00.001-06:00

Photo Credit: Life of a Twenty Something

This morning while getting ready, I cranked up the Today Show on the living room tv so that I could hear it from the bathroom while I straightened my hair.

Within a few minutes I was crying my eyes out in front of the bathroom mirror!

Regardless of your political opinions, if you are a hopeless romantic like me, you will love this segment...

Click HERE

Jenna Bush Hager interviews her grandparents about the love letters that they've been writing to each other consistently ever since George Sr. was away in WWII. She had them read some of them out loud, and even he was crying by the end of the segment. You can tell just from watching how strong their love for each other is.

I love love.

There is something to be said about written communication - that's for sure. For the beginning of our relationship, Kurt was in Iraq on a 6 month deployment. We started hung out a couple of times before he left... but our relatinoship really blossomed while he was away. We talked almost every day on MSN - he was lucky enough to be an C-130 Mechanic which meant that for the most part, he stayed on base to work and talk to me. Every morning I woke up and checked my computer for an e-mail from him, and waited for him to log on to MSN so that we could chat. We also wrote several real letters just for the fun of it, even though snail mail took weeks to get to Iraq, and it was much easier to just send an e-mail. When writing is all you can do, you look forward to every single exchange of words, and you take advantage of every opportunity that you have to do it. I am positive that we learned more about each other during those months of writing than we would have if we had been "dating" in person during that time. Plus, it heightened the anticipation of seeing each other again. I have all of our letters, printed off e-mails and MSN conversations saved in a file in our fireproof box. That's how important they are to me. I hope that one day, our future grand children will appreciate them just like Jenna Bush Hager appreciates her grandparents' letters to each other.

I love my husband.

Happy Valentine's Day - AGAIN! :)

Happy Day of Love!

2011-02-14T11:54:00.001-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day, ya'll!
{I've been reading The Pioneer Woman's new book... can you tell? :)}

Kurt and I don't do a whole lot to celebrate Valentine's day. Mostly because I don't really care about the tacky gifts, and Kurt knows me well enough to know that I will just get frustrated about where to store it. Seriously - what are you supposed to do with a stuffed bear holding a pink heart? We have enough stuffed animals as it is, and if I get any more then our basement will start to look like a kid's room. {Also, I hate writing "our basement". I can't wait until I can finally say "our house"!!!!} On our bed I already keep the yellow stuffed bear wearing an "Al Asad Iraq" t-shirt that Kurt sent me when he was over there, and the pink teddy bear from Olivia's casket. We also have a bear wearing a Broncos t-shirt that Kurt got for me when he went to Denver in January. He lives on a living room shelf. Three is enough for a 23 year old woman. Also, I don't need any more jewelry! I have one necklace that I wear every day, and a ring for each ring finger. I occasionally wear different necklaces from Loft or Target, but I need to pick those out myself. I told Kurt not to buy me any more jewelry until we have another child and I need another charm for my birth stone necklace... and not to buy me flowers until we have a kitchen table for me to set them on.

So, there goes all of the traditional Valentine's day gifts.

Tonight, we are staying in. I went grocery shopping last night to get the ingredients for Pioneer Woman's "Penne a la Betsy" {YES that's what it's really called! Her sister's name is Betsy, and it's my favorite recipe of hers so far. It's fate, I think}. red velvet cake for dessert, and snacks for watching a movie after wards.

{The "eating healthy" thing will be on pause for tonight}.

When we were little my mom used to always get my sister and I little heart-themed gifts to open after we had a "pizza picnic" on a beach towel in front of the TV in the living room. That sounds so funny now, but we used to think it was SUCH a big deal because eating in front of the TV was definitely not allowed in our house.

What are you doing to celebrate? Does your family have any Valentine's traditions?

And so in honor of Valentine's Day, here is our VERY first picture together as a "couple. And another one thrown in for good measure from the same weekend. I can't believe how different we look!

Sweet November

2011-02-11T14:34:00.002-06:00

The new look is HERE!

{ If you're reading this though google reader, this would be a great time to click and view the blog as a separate page. }

Also, for those of you who have my old button on your page, please grab my new one to replace it! If you don't have it on your page yet... now would be the perfect time to add it :) But no pressure.

And with the new look comes a brand new name for this little blog.

I loved the old name, (Too Beautiful for Earth, Living after Losing Olivia) but as I was working on choosing the new design, I decided that since I was hoping to go in a new direction with the blog and make it more about my life in general, not just the loss related aspects of it, I felt like it needed a new name.

November is a very special month for me. As most of you know, Kurt and I were married this past November of 2010, and of course it's the month that we welcomed Olivia into our lives, and said goodbye to her in 2009. I felt that using November in some way in the title would still keep the blog very much Olivia related, but not necessarily Olivia specific.

And as for the new design..

I love it. I think it's pretty safe to say that I am IN love with it.

I worked with the wonderful and amazing Danielle, The Design Girl, and I could not be more impressed with her work. She worked with me and took every suggestion into account. I did not have a clear vision in mind at all for what I wanted when we started the process. She gave me some direction after I kind of half described what I was looking for, and once I finally figured it out, she put it together SO perfectly.

Lets talk about my favorite things, shall we?

I originally just planned on having the picture of Kurt and I from our wedding in the banner, and no picture of Olivia. I thought she would be represented well enough by the pink angel wings and pink ribbon. Danielle e-mailed me last night and said that she knew that she knew I hadn't asked for it, but she wanted to show me how she had included Livie in the banner. I hadn't noticed that the kit I chose came with the litting gold frame. How perfect. I started crying as soon as I saw it. Seriously awesome. I was also confused because I didn't even send Danielle that picture of Olivia, she took it upon herself to add it after seeing it on my blog. I think that is so sweet, and I love that she took the time to do that for me. She could have just done what I asked and installed it, but she didn't, and I love her for that. :)

I love the pink angel wings, and the ribbon. The black and white image of Olivia wearing the pink bow was at the center of the old blog banner that I made myself, and I have to admit that as much as I was ready for this change, I was feeling some emotional attachment to it (I took a screen shot of it so that I could include it as part of todays POTD for ProjectLife so that I'll always have it to look at). Olivia wore a pink bow in her hair for almost her entire life, at least for the last 2 days of it. I saved that one and it's in her shadow box, but I made her a new one for her to wear for her funeral, and she was buried with it in her hair. I don't think I'll ever be able to see a pink bow without thinking of her. I love that the ribbon is still front and center at the top of the page. The picture that I was referring to is what Danielle used to make my button, which I love also.

I still have some re-organizing to do of the content in the sidebars, but I'm anxious to get to the gym so I'll have to work on that later.

Okay I'll stop now. Please leave some comments and let me know what you think! I'm so proud of it that I wish I could carry my laptop around all day showing it to people. I hope you like it!

getting back in shape.

2011-02-10T00:43:00.001-06:00

So it might be the middle of February already, but I'm finally ready to get started on one of our New Year's resolutions.

Kurt and I are embarking on a new journey to get fit, and STAY that way! For the first time ever. If you know me in real life, then you know that my husband is a fitness freak, and I am... not. I wish I was. I really do. But I'm not. At least until now. I'm REALLY going to try this time.

I used to be one of those girls that could eat {almost} whatever I wanted and it didn't matter. I've never been the skinniest girl in the room, but I never really felt too bad about the way I look, and didn't have any trouble finding or fitting into cute clothes. I've had a gym membership since I was 15 or so, and have gone through periods where I worked out every day, and then months where I didn't go at all. And I didn't really care, because I didn't feel fat anyway.

But let me tell ya - after your body goes through a pregnancy, it's like a WHOLE DIFFERENT BODY. Seriously. I feel like a totally different person. And not in a good way!

Well folks, it's time for a change. I don't even remember how much I weighed pre-pregnancy, but it wasn't really that scary of a number. The number I see on the scale these days IS. And lets get real... It's been 14-ish months since I was pregnant, the excuse of "oh but I just had a baby" is real old. I don't really think it works anymore... I'm pretty sure that If/when I use it, people are probably thinking "That girl needs to get a grip, she hasn't been pregnant for over a year now".

Kurt and I recently started DVRing that new show on MTV, "I Used To Be Fat" ... oh my gosh, it's eye opening. I've watched The Biggest Loser a few times before, and yeah they lose a lot of weight quickly, but it's easy to write that off because you can think, oh well duh, if they basically live in a weight loss laboratory with chefs and trainers watching their every move, OF COURSE they're going to lose weight. But this show follows people over the course of a couple of months, and they have a trainer, but they're living at home and are responsible for getting themselves to the gym and for planning their meals. It totally makes you feel like a lazy POS for watching them lose weight while you're laying on the couch eating cake and Cheetos.

Okay, we weren't really eating cake. Or Cheetos. But it did make us feel gross. We both have gotten pretty lackadaisical with going to the Gym. Kurt still goes on a regular basis, but not like he used to, and because we've had pretty poor eating habits since the beginning of my pregnancy {When I was told that I wasn't gaining enough weight and that I needed to eat more fast food...}, he hasn't been seeing the results that he was used to getting as a lean and mean Marine.

The thing that frustrates me the most, is that I have no excuses. We live less than a 1 minute drive from our gym. I have several healthy eating cookbooks and follow lots of healthy cooking blogs. I have a subscription to Shape, and used to have one to Women's Health... and have literally read entire books on nutrition. I guess it has always interested me, but I've completely lacked the will power to make use of the knowledge that I have.

People, that's pathetic. You don't need to say it. Trust me, I know!

The other day, I talked to several friends about Weight Watchers and thought seriously about joining again (Oh yeah, that's another thing! I've been a member of WW before! I started posting about that last year... and did ONE post. I went to three meetings. Again, pathetic). But then I thought, what a waste of money to pay for a service... if I already know what I'm doing?

I just need to get off my lazy butt and DO IT!

I read an article in a magazine once about a girl who blogged what she ate every single day to hold herself accountable.

That's what I'm going to do. I know that "they" say to keep a food log to hold yourself accountable... but that has never worked for me. I've tried getting a little notebook and keeping it in my purse to write everything down, and soon enough it's at the bottom of my bag underneath a bunch of crap and I've completely forgotten about it.
I think that putting it out there into "blog land" will help me to stick to this goal. I'll be blogging recipes and things about my work outs, and I'll be open to any criticism. I won't be posting about it EVERY single day because I know no one cares that much, and frankly that's pretty boring. But I hope that by blogging about my/our meals and the struggles/challenges/triumphs I have at the gym will help me stay on the right track.
Here we go. Wish me luck. I feel like I'm gonna need it...

photography frustrations.

2011-02-08T11:27:00.001-06:00

I am trying to work on my photography skills.

Well, I don't really have photography skills... so I guess I should say I'm trying to LEARN how to have photography skills. I'm taking a class right now... and would love to share the photos that I've been taking.

But I'm SOOO Stinkin' frustrated! Because they're not that good. So much of photography revolves around lighting. Half of the time, it's what makes an okay picture into a great one. But guess what? I live in my in-laws basement. I really try hard not to complain about it, because it's a wonderful opportunity for us to save save save our money. We have ONE big source of light, which is the sliding glass doors that open up into the back yard. It's in the corner of our basement - on the completely opposite side of the basement from the living room. It's great for practicing because I can put objects on the floor near the doors... but a lot of our photography assignments involve taking pictures of every day things, or people... and I can't really ask kurt and/or the dogs to go sit on the floor in front of the window CONSTANTLY, and I can't move half of my stuff over in front of the doors either.

Really, I'm just venting right now. And dreaming about our next house which will be made of all floor to ceiling windows.

Acknowledging.

2011-02-06T15:34:00.001-06:00

{I was going through my posts today and found this draft that I wrote in August. I'm not sure why I never posted it... I read through it again and really liked it ... so here it is. I added the last two paragraphs on today}.

Loss. No one wants to acknowledge it. Our society completely sucks at that. And that sucks. People feel uncomfortable talking about bad things that happen, whether its to themselves or someone else. When people are having a conversation about loss, notice how almost everyone will try to justify it, or turn it into something positive by saying things like "It could have been worse", or, "at least _____ didn't happen", "at least we were able to ________", "... But we're lucky that...". I'm guilty of treating loss this way - I've done it in probably the majority of my posts here on this blog. And in all honesty, these things are usually true. We ARE lucky that we got to spend three days with Olivia, we were told that if we had waited any longer for an ultrasound that she would have been stillborn. So, yes, we are lucky.

But there are times when thinking about the positive is more painful than thinking about the negative. There are times when the loss is so painful that thinking about any of the happy times we had makes it hurt worse - because those happy times that we remember are the only ones we'll ever have with her here.

I have begun to feel like making those "yes it is/was awful, but..." statements is discounting our loss - making it sound like it wasn't - or isn't - as bad as it really is/was. Why do we feel like we need to say things to make OTHERS feel better about OUR pain?

I guess I'm just feeling down today, and frustrated with it. I wish loss was a more comfortable thing to talk about. I think it frustrates me really because I myself am completely comfortable talking about it - those of you who have lost babies know, that you talk about it so much that at some point it isn't hard any more. It's not ME that I'm being positive for. It's the person that I'm talking to. that person, whoever it is, isn't used to dealing with it every living breathing moment of every single day, and so when they ask you "how are you doing?" It totally freaks them out to hear, "Awful. Today sucks, I hate it, I'm very sad and I miss my kid".

This, I think, is why I keep posting things to help raise awareness for infant loss. I know I don't have too many followers compared to some of you guys, but if I can make just one person more comfortable with the idea of loss then that makes me happy. Because when it happens, you NEED a friend that can simply say "I hear ya - it sucks, I hate that you're sad and I'm sad too. I wish I could have known your baby" ... rather than "ohh, isn't that too bad. welp, it'll get better! Time heals all wounds". {do not say this, btw}

Anywho, there's my rant for the day. I'm at work and really should be working :).

{Faces of Loss} february prompt.

2011-02-04T11:26:00.004-06:00

If you guys haven't checked out Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, please do. The button is in my sidebar, or you can click *here*. I've talked about them before. They are AMAZING, and I've been an avid fan and supporter since the day they began. They are a non-profit that just started this year, only a few months after Kristen, the co-director lost her little girl Stevie Joy. Kristen's blog is called Dear Stevie, and you can find it *here*. The concept of FOLFOH is extremely simple - it's just a place for women to share their stories of loss, and to connect with other women who experienced something similar. It's a beautiful thing. I know that a lot of my followers are baby loss mamas who have known about this FOLFOH for a while now, but some of you are not...
One of my favorite favorite things about FOLFOH is that they have a page for friends and family members. If you are a friend or a family member to someone who has recently experienced a loss (or even not recently), I encourage you to check it out. They offer amazing advice on what TO say and what NOT to say to someone who has recently lost a baby, and also ideas for how to help. Don't know anyone who has lost a baby? read it anyway. It WILL happen to someone you know. That sounds awful, right? But it's true. Infant loss happened to my mom, it happened to me, and it happened to Kurt's cousin and his wife, twice. It's way too common guys, and speaking as someone who suffered (and is suffering) through it, we need the people that we are close with to be supportive.
For every wonderful thing that was done for us after Livie died, someone else said or did something that hurt. Most of those things weren't intentional - people just DO NOT know what they are supposed to say or do. So that's why I'm helpin' ya out. You will be VERY glad, and so will your friend/neighbor/sister/daughter/cousin/classmate... whoever it is that may lose a child someday in the future. They will be happy that you said the right thing, and you will feel good knowing that you made a positive difference.

THIS series is my favorite. It's written by Molly Piper, a woman who lost her little girl, Felicity a few years ago. Please, Please read it. It's so amazing. So there's my little lesson for the day. I wasn't planning on posting about this.

Now... Onto the regularly scheduled post. :)

Faces of Loss hosts a writing challenge each month. Sometimes I participate, and sometimes I don't. Here's February's prompt.

"Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart".

There are several people that deserve to be written about. All of them already know how thankful Kurt and I are for what they did for us. If you're reading this and I don't mention you, please don't think that it's because we aren't grateful. Trust me, we are. I want to write about two specific people, and thank them for their CONTINUOUS love and support - not just one special thing that they did for us, but for all of it.

I have two girls in my life that I consider to be two of my best friends. Catelyn and Abigail. {oh god. I'm crying already}. I met Cate when we were randomly selected to be room mates freshman year of college. Abigail is her life-long friend, who has become my life-long friend. I met her somewhere along the way... I'm not sure when the first time was. Over the last six years we have drifted apart a couple of times, but have always come back together and each time our friendship is stronger than time time before. I love them.
I was nervous to tell them that I was pregnant. Kurt and I had JUST gotten engaged and we weren't even living together yet. We had received a lot of mixed reactions from family members and other friends, and I wasn't sure what they'd say. I was so pleasantly surprised when they were EXCITED. They threw my baby shower.
When Livie was born, they came and visited us in the hospital. I so wish they could have met her. Abigail lived in Nashville at the time and happened to be in town for her birthday. She wasn't able to come to the funeral, because she was either back home already or on her way. She was working for a Christian record label in Nashville, and a couple of weeks after the funeral a HUGE box arrived at our apartment door. It was filled with CDs. I don't know how many, but there were TONS. She wrote the sweetest letter about wishing that she and her husband could have been there with us, but she hoped that the CDs would bring us comfort.

That was an amazing, thoughtful gift that was so different than all of the flowers and cards and "traditional" grief gifts that we had been receiving. {Which doesn't mean that all of the other gifts weren't fabulous and heart warming. Trust me, we loved them}.

Months passed, and the world seemed to be moving on while we were still standing still in our grief. One day, I received this message from Cate. {Catelyn, I hope you don't mind me posting this here. :) }

"I want you to know that I am always here to talk about Livie. I don't know how this experience evolves for you, but I am assuming that slowly the messages stop coming on facebook and sometime you might feel that people are forgetting. I never want you to feel this way. I and I'm sure every other close friend and family member has not forgotten. I don't want to bring it up every time we hang out in case you don't feel like talking through it again, but whenever you want to, I am here too! I know that you and Kurt both have been such positive, strong believers through everything which is VERY inspiring, but if there every comes a time that you feel more sad than usual or begin to feel more angry, I would LOVE to remind you of all the positives that Olivia brought.....because as you know, there are a LOT! "

It was exactly what I needed. For a long period of time, it felt like every time I logged into facebook there was a comment or a message from someone expressing their sadness about what happened, and every time I checked our mailbox there was a card from a family member. I knew in my heart that no one had forgotten and that no one ever would, but sometimes you REALLY need to hear {or read} those words.

Over the last year, both girls have checked in on me religiously, always asking how I'm doing, randomly commenting on pictures of Olivia and bringing her up in regular conversations when I least expect it.

And this year, on her birthday, Abigail and Jeremy met us at the Cemetery with this plaque.

I love them So, so much. I can only hope that someday when they are struggling, I can be as good of a friend to them as they have been to me. Those are some big shoes to fill.

Public Service Announcement...

2011-02-01T11:39:00.001-06:00

Project Life Tuesday is going to be on hiatus for a few weeks.
My computer is on vacation at the Best Buy service center, and the guy said it would be back within two to three weeks. We have Kurt's computer to use, but mine is the only one with photoshop on it. I had the pictures for this weeks post already edited and organized by date in a folder on my desktop and was so proud of myself for being organized and not having to scramble to put the post together at the last minute. :(
I'll be taking pictures (hopefully) as normal, and will post a bunch when I get my computer back.

On another note. THIS came out today..

I am so excited I can barely stand it! I am in love with The Pioneer Woman.

I have {and love}her cookbook, and was just thinking... wouldn't it be fun to make one of her recipes every day... like Julie did in Julie & Julia {One of my all time favorite movies}?

But then I don't think I would be able to achieve any of my weight loss goals... so we'll have to stick to using it for special occasions.

We have a snow day today, so I am going to spend it cleaning, catching up on some reading and working on a few projects. I hope everyone who is stuck inside today is taking advantage of this opportunity to relax!

some changes...

2011-01-28T11:42:00.000-06:00

This little old blog of mine is getting a makeover.
A big one. Name change and everything. {Although, it's not really a very exciting name change.}
But I'm not giving away any details until the new design is installed in a week-ish.

I started blogging because of Olivia, we all know that. For months, She is really all I posted about. If I wasn't writing directly about her, then I was writing about something that was related to infant loss. I was in such a dark place that unless I was absolutely forcing myself to do my homework, or get up and go to class, I was constantly thinking/writing/scrapbooking about Livie. It probably never even occurred to me that at some point in life, I would want to start talking about other things. Lately, as I'm sure those of you who actually follow on a regular basis have noticed, the content of this blog has changed a little bit.

It's been 14 months since she was born. {I just looked at the Calender on my desk and realized that its the 28th.. I think this is the first month that I didn't actually notice that it was the 20th, and then the 23rd}. But I guess that's what I'm getting at. I have moved forward quite a bit over these 14 months. No - I'm not "over it", nor will I ever be.
I don't want this to JUST be an infant loss blog anymore. I want to continue blogging about my daughter and about baby loss, but I also want to feel free to write about other subjects. Sometimes I feel kind of awkward writing about other things because the look of this blog is SO Olivia focused. I guess I've felt guilty... like I shouldn't be posting pictures of the wreath that I made for Valentine's day on Olivia's blog. Although I'm sure no one else whose out there reading thinks like that, I do. I'm a freak. I can't help it :)

Some ladies have reached this point and started a new blog, and work hard on maintaining both of them. I thought about that, but then I realized that I want this place to be a representation of ALL aspects of my life, including... but not limited to Olivia. I'm hoping that the new design will reflect that. I want to be able to blog about crafting, project life, reading, fitness and cooking, my husband, our families etc. I want to be able to comfortably post here whenever we have another baby. I want this to be a place where we can look back on our life and see how we've progressed. In all ways - not just with our grief.

Infant Loss Awareness is extremely important to me, obviously, so it and Olivia herself will be a major part of this blog, always. I'm just ready to branch out.

So, look for that BIG change in a week or two. I can't WAIT to see it.

Project Life Tuesday, Jan 18-24

2011-01-25T22:03:00.001-06:00

January 17th, 2010

I love Audrey Hepburn. My old bedroom at my parents' house was filled with Audrey posters. One of my favorite things is my Audrey book collection. This picture is about half of them, the rest are on a different shelf. Today, I was at Anthropologie (Another major favorite of mine), and as I was walking past the little section of kids books etc. that they have, I spotted this Audrey children's book and nearly passed out. The illustrations are gorgeous. Obviously, I had to buy it. It's still sitting on my coffee table because I'm too excited about it to put it on the shelf with the other books!

January 19th -

Hair appointment today! I hadn't gotten my roots touched up since before the wedding so I needed this appointment badly, and decided that I wanted to get back to all dark. I'm really, really happy with it. I asked Kurt to take a picture of me when I got home, and this is what I got. Not the best picture ever, but whatev! I'm sure I'll get some better pictures of myself at some point!

January 20th

I finished my 2010 album tonight! I got way behind on ProjectLife last year. Like, three months behind. October and November were SO busy with wedding stuff, I felt overwhelmed and honestly didn't give the project much thought. After the wedding, I was so exhausted and definitely felt like I needed to take a break from projects for a little bit. The good thing was though, that since there were so many events during those months (wedding and the holidays, etc.), I still took TONS of photos. I took advantage of a deal that snapfish had a couple of weeks ago for 99 prints for 99cents and got caught up. Thanksto my trusty planner [laying on top of the manilla envelope that holds the Veterans Day letters my mom had her 2nd grade class write to Kurt], I was able to take match most of the pictures up with the correct days. Other times, I had empty spaces and extra photos so I just stuck them in. In 40 years are my grandkids REALLY going to care exactly what day something happened on? Probably not. Oh well. My album is full and complete and I'm so happy with it. It gave me even more motivation for this year's project!

January 21

Two pictures for this day. We went out on Friday night with a bunch of friends for Alicia's birthday. We had dinner @ Julios and then went to a bar up the street from our house for a little bit. It was VERY fun and a much needed night out!

January 22, 2010

Kurt working on homework... Molly being VERY impatient because he's not focusing on throwing her ball accross the room for her.

January 23

The doggies have been LOVING playing in the snow, almost to the point of ridiculousness because they want to go in and out in and out in and out in and out all.day.long.

Kurt took this picture and was very proud of it so I told him it could be the POTD {picture of the day}

That's all there is! There isn't... any more!

{Does anyone remember that from the end of each Madeline episode? My sister and i LOVED that show!}

Project Life Tuesday, January 11-17

2011-01-18T21:39:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I was pretty lazy this week.

I spent three of my weeknight evenings working on a felt wreath... so I really didn't take many pictures, except of the wreath, and of the dogs getting into the felt. Looking at my pictures this week made me realize that I have become one of those crazy "dog moms" that takes more pictures of her dogs than anything else.

But I guess if that's what made me happy this week, then who cares, right?

Oh, and if you want to make the "heart felt wreath", I found the tutorial here, at The Idea Room. I made mine a little bit differently than she did, but I love the way it turned out. You guys will learn that I'm a sucker for easy DIY home decor projects... and for some reason lately, those keep turning out to be wreaths? Maybe I need to branch out a bit. I also bought a mini styrofoam wreath that I spotted at Hobby Lobby (my home away from home) to make one to take to Livie's spot on Valentine's Day.

I also had multiple days this week where I didn't take any pictures... and other days where i took several. I was really strict last year about making sure I had ONE picture for each day. This year, I don't care. If we did nothing one day... why would we want to have a picture of... nothing?

So here we go.

Jan 11th

More snow!

Jan 14th

My sister's 19th birthday! We went out for dinner at her favorite Japanese place.My grandma came along, and had just come from the mall where she let the Lancome ladies give her a makeover. She looked gorgeous :)

After dinner, we went back to my parents' house so my sister could open presents. She got the Wii Fit and ad everything to go with it. Even Lucy got in on the Wii action!

January... 14th (again), 15th and 16th.

The felt wreath project was very time consuming.

Jack LOVES crafts. I'm not joking. No matter what project i'm doing, he has to be RIGHT next to me, and he always waits for me to hand him a piece of scrap paper of fabric.... and then he'll just sit with it in his mouth. He's a very good helper!

LOVE the wreath.

January 17th

I didn't have a picture for the 17th... but Kurt decided that wasn't acceptable, so he took one of himself, and told me that's what I should use.

Hopefully you guys did better than I did this week!

Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow

2011-01-14T13:58:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post today to share an article.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope shared it on their facebook page today. I know that many followers of mine also follow their pages, but for the ones that don't, I want to re-share.

It isn't often that men share about the way they grieve. I know it's really just a "guy thing", and that it is very common... but it doesn't help any of the guys out there. As women, we LOVE to talk and share about our emotions and feelings. We have no problem finding someone who we can connect with - especially in the blog world. I know it's one thing that has helped me feel SO much less alone than I would otherwise. Guys? Not so much! I think that it would be easier for men to cope and grieve if they had more opportunities to read things written by other guys.

Whenever I do come across something like that, which is very rare, I get very excited - it just doesn't happen very often.

Who knew that three Division I basketball coaches had lost babies?

This article was written by Jason King for thepostgame.com. Click HERE to read it.

Please read it, and maybe share it with your husbands.

- as a sidenote... I really think it's amazing that more mainstream sites are doing pieces on stillbirth and infant loss. Every time a celebrity of some kind speaks publicly about it, I feel like jumping up and down and cheering - it has been swept under the rug as something too sad to talk about for WAY too long. Every time something like this gets published, we are one step closer to the public actually understanding how common it is.

Project Life Tuesday, January 1-10

2011-01-11T08:42:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first week of Project Life Tuesday 2011... and my first time joining the online Project Life community. I'm hoping that participating each week will keep me on track with my photos and my journaling. You will find that I'm a huge fan of making photo collages on Picasa... 1. because I hate doing them in photo shop, and 2. because I take too many pictures and can never decide on just one. :)

January 1:

On New Year's Day, I spent the entire day organizing my craft area. On the left is the "before" shot. Trust me, the picture doesn't give it justice... it looked MUCH worse than that. I started piling things up everywhere while were were in full-force wedding more, and it just got worse.. and worse.. and worse. I finally got it organized and it feels SO. GOOD. That's my Project Life kit sitting on the table.

January 2 & 3:

Kurt was in Denver on the 2nd and 3rd for the Broncos and Chargers game. The Broncos lost, but he had a great time with his dad at the game. These are the photos he took with his phone and uploaded to Facebook while he was there.

On the 3rd while Kurt was on his way home, I worked on these wooden letters that say "CREATE" to hang above my craft area. I don't like them! I painted them black and decorated them with paper flowers and Kurt's Grandma's old button collection. They are okay I guess, but not really what I had in mind and I want to find something else to put in the spot ASAP. Plus, you can't even really tell that they say Create. The squares on either side of the letters are scrapbooking paper on foam board. I think I might make more of those to fill in the middle. Who knows.

January 4:

I did nothing today but lay around and read. I received George W. Bush's book "Decision Points" from Kurt for Christmas. I heard great reviews about it and thought it would be interesting to finally hear, in his own words, about the decisions that Bush had to make during his administration. So far, it has been WONDERFUL.

January 5:

Today, there was a horrible shooting at Millard South High School, which is just a couple of miles from our house. The principal and the assistant principle were both shot - the assistant principal passed away... the day before her birthday. Simply tragic and heart breaking. The student who shot them drove to a parking lot a few blocks away and killed himself. Instead of a picture for the day today, I printed out the news story and folded it to fit in the pocket.

January 6:

We didn't do much today except go grocery shopping. We happened to go to the store that's right near Millard South. There school was closed for the day, and two students were outside selling ribbons in MSHS colors for $1 each. The proceeds went to the families of the victims. Kurt and I each bought one, and I pinned them to the spot where a photo normally goes.

January 7:

The lake near our house has been drained.... apparently because of some Zebra Mussels that were infecting the water. It looks SO weird, so I went down today to take some pictures.

January 8:

I made a Target run this afternoon to get Kurt some medicine for the horrible cold he has, and got stuck in the book aisles. I decied to spend the Target gift card that I got for Christmas on something that I usually only let myself buy one at a time - books! I picked up five of the books that have been on my list for a while now. Now, I just need to work on making more time for reading!

January 9:

SNOW!!! The doggies L.O.V.E it! When we looked out the window, they were eating the snow off of the bird feeder. Perfect height for their little heads!

January 10:

We had a snow day today! Both of us had school cancelled, so we slept late, played with the dogs in the snow, and made pancake, eggs, and bacon for breakfast - which the dogs begged their hardest for. Kurt shoveled/snow-blowed, went to the gym, and I stayed home and organized a cunh of stuff... and now we're laying on the couch watching the football game.

That's it!

Project Life 2011

2011-01-10T16:26:00.000-06:00

Last year, I posted HERE about Project Life, a "scrapbooking without the scrapbooking" project that encourages you to take a picture every day. I heard about it a little bit late last year, so my album started in February. If you know me at all, You know that I always have about fifty projects going on at once. As excited as I was about beginning the project last year, I was really skeptical about actually finishing it. Taking a picture each day is a huge commitment and one that I wasn't sure I was really ready for.

But surprisingly, I did it! Okay, not completely. Half of October, and November and December have no photos yet. Since I got a little bit hehind on printing them, I decided that I didnt' want to waste the money/ink on printing them all at home, so I waited for a great deal on prints. Until yesterday, Snapfish was running a 99 prints for 99cents deal, so I ordered them all yesterday and can't wait for the package to arrive so that I can stick them in.

Last year, I wrote about looking forward to using the project to help our strengthen our relationship. Although I was extremely excited and couldn't wait for Olivia to be born, I was a little bit worried about the fact that our first major priority would be the baby, instead of having time to spend together as a newly married couple before we began our family. After she died, I knew that I wanted to redirect my focus to making our engagement and then our marriage as strong as possible.

I have to say, that it really, really worked. The project not only encouraged me to take a photo each day, which helped me learn about my then-new camera and motivated me to learn more about photography, but also encouraged us to get out and do more fun things. If we spent too many days laying around, the album was boring and I was ready to get out of the house and find something fun to do.

So many proponents of the project were moms with small children, who wanted to document their daily life at home so that they wouldn't miss a moment of those early years that pass way too quickly. I wasn't sure how the project would work for us, but I am happy to say that I loved it. I'm excited to have a record of almost every single day of our life together as a couple, and hopefully continue the project as we begin to have more children. If our children inherit any of my personality, hopefully they will enjoy having something tangible to look back at. I used to ask my mom a lot of questions about their early married days and about when they were dating - I think it would be so cool to have something like the Project Life album to look through. These albums are definitely going to become family heirlooms that hopefully our future kids will cherish. If we have boys who could care less about this type of thing, hopefully they'll eventually have wives who want them.

I am SUPER excited about doing the project again this year. Becky Higgins released two different versions, a feminine one and a more gender neutral version. Both can be ordered from Amazon.com, HERE, if you are interested. My album arrived last week and I have been having so much fun putting it together.

One thing I didn't participate in last year was Project Life Tuesday, hosted by Jessica Turner at The Mom Creative. Bloggers post their 7 days worth of photos each week, and link up over on The Mom Creative. Jessica is one of my favorite bloggers and one of my scrapbooking inspirations. This year, I'm going to. I think it will encourage me to get my photos uploaded and edited in a more timely fashion, and hopefully printed and into my album a little bit faster. Look for my first post when Project Life Tuesday 2011 kicks off tomorrow!

Grief never goes away.

2011-01-08T21:59:00.001-06:00

I visited the cemetary today.
This time, it wasn't to visit Olivia. Although I did go visit her grave at the end of my visit.

As I've mentioned before, she is buried at one of Omaha's Catholic Cemetaries. Her spot is right next to the plot my Grandma has purchased for herself, and my Grandpa is already on the other side of that one. Before we had even begun to think about where she should be buried, my Grandma called the cemetary office to see if any of the plots around theirs were still available. When she told us that the one next to hers was free, we jumped at the chance because we loved the idea of her being next to her Great Grandmother, especially because she was able to spend time with Olivia and hold her before she died. My sister Katie is buried at a cemetary in Iowa with my dad's parents, and my mom always said that she found comfort in knowing that she was resting with family... even though I know that neither little girl is "really" in there.
Anyway, When we met with the cemetary guy, he told us that in the other Catholic cemetary across the street is an area just for infants and babies. I liked the idea, but liked the idea of Olivia being with Grandma even better. Since then, I've always meant to go fin the baby area, but never tried until today.

Someone told me recently that the "Infant Serenity" section - i love that name - has a beautiful statue of an angel holding a little baby in it's arms. Today on my way home, I decided that I wanted to see it. Upon entering the cemetary I saw a section that was decorated with more little Christmas trees etc. than the other areas around it, so I stopped. My mom told me that baby areas are usually the easiest to find around the Holidays because they will be decorated the most. She was VERY right. It was obvious that it was a section for babies or small children because the rows were very close together... clearly because the caskets are so tiny. I remember being shocked, almost to where I felt physically sick, when I saw how teeny tiny Olivia's coffin was. Anyway, it was a different baby and child section than the one I was looking for, I could tell because it was full.

FULL. The first thing that came to my mind while I was walking through the rows reading the names and dates on the stones was, "There are WAY too many babies here. There are WAY too many parents that have had to do this". I was honestly very surprised at how many graves there were that belonged to babies who died in the 1950s and 1960s that were STILL decorated for Christmas. It really made me realize that this grief never goes away. I already knew that, but this really drove it home for me. There are elderly women who still think about their lost babies on Christmas and come to the cemetary to bring them a Christmas tree and a stocking. How sad. How awful.

Right on the edge of this section I saw a grave stone that had a much larger area in front of it than all the rest. It looked new-ish and it was decorated exactly the same as the tiny one next to it. I walked over for a closer look, and completely broke down into tears as I read the stones. The larger one was the grave of a United States Marine Corps Sergeant who served in the Korean war. I don't remember the dates, but he was a pretty old man when he died. The one next to him was for a little girl with the same last name, who died when she was a day or two old. In 1959. This obviously made me think of Kurt, who was a Sgt. in the Marine Corps. He won't be able to be buried next to Livie, but I know that he will still be missing her and thinking about her forty years from now. The spot on the opposite side of the baby's grave was completely empty. I really hope that it belongs to her mama.
I stood there crying and crying, thinking about how sweet it is that he must have purchased the plot right next to hers all those years ago. I also cried because I can only imagine how happy he must have been to finally be reunited with her after forty some years.
Yet another example that the grief never goes away.

I did eventually find the statue I was looking for after I got back in my car and drove around a little bit. The cemetary is HUGE and it was on the other side. I was surprised to immediately see the grave of Sofia, the baby who belongs to Lia, the sweet woman that was my gift exchange partner this Christmas. Of course, I stood there and cried for them too.

I was in a crying mood today, obviously. The section had SO MANY BABIES. It was just ridiculous. I looked at the dates on most of them, and there were so many from 2009 and 2010. I hate that this happens to so many families.

After seeing the graves of all of those babies I felt like I needed to go visit my own. I didn't take anything new with me, but all of these things that we took on Christmas eve are still there. Kurt wanted to take her this puppy that looks like a yellow lab because he said that she would want her own "jack or molly".

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-04T14:43:00.000-06:00

A few days late!

2010 was definitely an interesting one for us. For Kurt and I, and for our family. We have had a lot of ups, and a lot of downs. I like to think that there were more ups than downs, but we certainly came in to 2010 having no idea what to expect. Usually, every new year seems like it's going to be just the same as the last. I've felt like my life is measured by semesters for as long as I can remember, so the new year usually symbolizes another semester beginning. But when 2010 began, not only were we about to start a new semester of classes, but I was also going to have to learn how to be a parent to a baby that is not alive. My whole life had changed, and at that point I did not think it had cganged for the better. It felt like there was a black cloud hanging over our apartment, that followed me wherever I went when I left in the morning, and followed me back home at night. How was I supposed to function in this new skin? I think Kurt felt the same way.

And it has been difficult to say the least. But you know what? I think we've done a pretty good job. If you were to ask me on this day last year, where I thought we'd be on January 4, 2011, I wouldn't have known what to say.... but I know I would have been thinking that I would never feel better, and that the pain would be exactly the same. I am proud to say that it's been a better year than I ever would have expected. I don't want to sum up the bad things that have happened or dwell on the sad feelings that I've had. I think it's more important to focus on the blessings that we received. Over the past year, we memorialized Olivia in beautiful ways. We think about her every day. Losing her has connected me with so many amazing women that I never would have known had she not died. I am extremely thankful for those friendships. They got me through some pretty dark times. Kurt and I both grew up a little bit more over the past year, and I am also thankful for that. Not that we weren't adults before, but seeing the world from a parent's perspective for the first time ever really changes everything you think and feel, even if your child is not living. We had a beautiful wedding, watched wonderful friends as they got married, and helped welcome the beautiful babies of some very dear friends into the world. We've both managed to be extremely successful in school, and we've become closer as a couple.

So, Happy New Year! I hope that the friends I've made who are walking this path of grief along with me are able to continue healing. I hope that the new year brings everyone peace, and all the happiness you deserve. Thanks for reading this little blog for the past year. I have been blessed by so many wonderful readers who make me feel like my little corner of the internet is actually worth something :).

(Out for Sushi on New Year's Eve)

Olivia's ornaments

2010-12-30T22:36:00.000-06:00

I wanted to do a post about all of Olivia's special ornaments. We have quite a few... and even though I know I need to stop buying them, when I see an ornament that just looks like it should be hers, I can't bring myself to pass it up. I only bought one this year though, so I guess that's good.

These little porcelain shoes were given to us by my parents when we were still in the hospital after Olivia was born, and before she died. I love them, because they were the only ornament given to us for her before she passed away.

My mom also bought us this "broken chain" ornament. She brought it to us the day we came home from the hospital. It also came with a beautiful poem.

Kurt's mom bought this for us for Olivia' birthday this year. It was originally on her grave with the flowers she took, but we went back and picked it up. When Kurt was a newborn, he had HUGE eyes and I always told him that he looked like a little froggie in his baby pictures. When we found out that I was pregnant, we alway joked about how our baby would look like a frog too. She really didn't, but the nickname of "froggie" really stuck.

"Every life leaves something beautiful behind" - this is one of this year's Halmark ornaments. I saw it when I was in the store just browsing, and there was no way I couldn't buy it.

This is from my mom from Halmark last year. I thought it looked too boy-ish, so she painted the wings pink for me :)

This star is my favorite ornament on our whole tree... even though it's not really an ornament at all. It's just a big star bead on some fishing line. I posted about it last year... but I got a new lense for Christmas and took a new picture of it, so I'm posting about it again. Get over it. :).
When I was little, my dad and I used to sit on the front porch and look at the stars. We would pick out a big one and say, "That's Grandpa", or "That's Katie". It's one of my favorite memories that I have with my dad. He gave me this pink start ornament last year with a beautiful letter that ended with him saying that Kurt and I have a new star in the sky for us this year.

Oh man, it makes me cry just thinking about it. I love my dad!

Here's our whole tree. We decided not to put up our huge one this year, so I got a $200 4ft tree marked down to $40 bucks at Hobby Lobby a couple of days after Thanksgiving to put up instead. All of Olivia's ornaments are at the top. I can't get the gold star at the top of the tree to stay straight for the LIFE of me. We've been looking for a perfect angel tree-topper to be our "Olivia angel" for a while now, but haven't been able to find exactly what we're looking for.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T16:37:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!
I hope you all are having a wonderful Christmas weekend. To the families that I know are struggling and missing their little ones, I hope you are able to find some peace and joy today!